“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
The news stories of the past couple weeks have been difficult to watch. From the war of words with North Korea, to the violent protests in Charlottesville, to the terrorist attack in Barcelona, we have been reminded that change is needed if we as a species wish to survive and experience peace. We are at a critical point in history and these events are bringing major issues to the forefront. People are concerned and scared about what the future will hold. Now is the time to ask if the way we have been doing things is working. This is not about who is right and who is wrong. Those are judgements. This is about asking does it serve us to threaten nuclear war on a country smaller than the size of Mississippi? Does it work to respond to hate with hate? There is one thing in common with all people who hate. ISIS, Neo-Nazis, the KKK, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump all share one quality. They are fearful. They are scared to lose something that they value. When we look at them as extremely scared individuals who are acting out in fear, it is easier to begin to have some compassion for them. Hating them will not change them, it will only lead to more hate. I believe that all people are good at their core. It is our innate human nature to be giving and caring and loving. When people hate, it is because they have forgotten who they are. They have been engulfed by their ego and taken over by fear. When we begin to become curious about what they are fearful about, we start to understand. On that level, healing begins as we are able to go under the rhetoric and address the real issues. It is no longer working for us to hate. We are all diverse individuals sharing one planet. When we begin to honor that diversity, and look for ways to show love and compassion to those who look and believe differently, the world will be at peace. Martin Luther King, Jr. left us with many words of wisdom. Here are two more quotes from him which are just as appropriate now as when he spoke them: “Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies - or else? The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.” “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” Are we ready to change?
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“Donald Trump’s a change agent. So am I.” –Ron Johnson
Politics is an area that most people have some opinion about. Whether you consider yourself an Independent, Democrat or Republican, there are issues that we each care about and we want our political parties to fight for what we believe in. Whether you like Donald Trump or not, he is currently the President of the United States. He promised change on the campaign trail and he is delivering by breaking the mold on what it means to be presidential. This is an exciting time in history. There are many issues which are pressing and they are going to require urgent action. Climate change, racism, LGBTQ rights, sexism, immigration, religious freedoms and healthcare are just a few of the hot button issues that are in the forefront of the news, not to mention the rising tension with other countries. Now, more than ever, it is important for us to look critically at how these issues affect each and every one of us. When President Trump speaks, or tweets, there seems to be a growing interest in every word. There is no doubt that President Trump is stirring something in us that is awakening. Whether you agree or disagree with what he says, it is an opportunity to critically examine what our core beliefs are. I believe that Donald Trump is the perfect person to be president at this time in history for precisely the change that he is creating. There have been over 20 large organized protests against him, including the Women’s March, which was the largest protest in American History. All across the country people are listening to what he is saying and are either defending him or opposing him. Either way, it is creating conversations. For many years these issues were swept under the rug and rarely discussed. Trump is bringing them up and forcing us to critically look at what our values are. Now, more than ever, we each need to individually decide if at our core, we agree or disagree with what we are hearing. Then it is time to talk about it. Have some honest discussions with people who not only agree with you, but those that disagree as well. For this country to change, we need clarity and we can only become clear when we challenge our prior assumptions. By talking with someone you don’t agree with and being open to hearing their point of view, it is often surprising to discover that there is more that is agreed upon then disagreed on. There are many core values that people have regardless of political party. With all of these discussions around the country we will begin to clarify what our country values. Once we are clear we can create change as the people. In order for America to be great again, we need to reclaim our identity. Our president is giving us daily opportunities to decide what is important. We have the power to create the change that the Declaration of Independence gives to us: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.” America is a great country because of the diversity we have. It is time we honor differences of opinion and respectfully challenge prior beliefs. Conversations have the power to create change, and true change happens from the bottom up. Keep the conversations going! “It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” Henry David Thoreau
Think for a minute about your daily routine. How often during the day do you feel rushed or overwhelmed? Is there a long ‘to do’ list that never seems to end? A typical day for most people is filled from morning to night with activities and commitments. When we compare our lives to those of our early ancestors, we have many modern conveniences that were intended to make life easier. Instead of giving us more quiet time to reflect though, we seem to fill it up with more stressors. We are bombarded with news and busyness without having time to simply relax and be still. In his Conversations With God books, Neale Donald Walsch discusses how we call ourselves ‘human beings,’ but many of us rarely take time to ‘be’ with ourselves. Instead, he says, we should be calling ourselves ‘human doings.’ It is difficult for many people to take time to just be. We tend to equate how productive our day was with how much we got accomplished. This is not to say that taking action and doing things is not important, but equally important is time to take care of ourselves. Many of my clients struggle to give themselves quiet time to just be still. For some, there is a sense of guilt that comes when they ‘waste’ time in meditation or quiet reflection. For others, there is a fear of being alone with themselves. The busyness is a distraction from having to face the demons they have avoided. To become a ‘human being’ we need to find time to be still. That ‘being’ time may be meditation or quiet reflection. It may be walking in nature or painting a picture. It is time to unplug from our busy lives and to reconnect with our essence. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” When we detach from doingness, we connect to beingness. If it is difficult to take time to be, this is an area to be explored. Is it a priority? If it is something that is being avoided, where does the guilt or fear come from? Seek support to explore this if necessary. Instead of avoiding that shadow, face it and go into it. How would your life change if you took time to truly be a human BEing? “Many people are alive but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.” –Thich Nhat Hanh
Last week I introduced the first part of the problem with labels, that by giving something a label it automatically becomes separate. Noticing that something is separate is not a problem, but when we lose sight of the interconnectedness of everything on this planet it becomes a problem. When we forget the fact that we are interdependent on others and our environment, we make choices that don’t sustain us. We get so caught up in the labels of separation that we forget we are more than labels. So, this brings us to the second problem, who are we without the labels? During sessions with clients I will sometimes ask them to imagine a basket with their name on. We then visualize taking all of the labels off themselves and placing them into the basket. We list the labels one by one as they are removed. When they have taken off the labels I ask them what is left? Almost every client tells me that there is nothing left. They don’t know who they are without the labels. This is the void that I feel many people have in life. They have forgotten who they are at the core. Our authentic self is the pure essence of our being, but it is covered over with so many labels that we forget. To help some of my clients get to know who is under the labels, I ask them to visualize themselves as a newborn baby. They don’t yet have language to describe the world, so all they can do is feel who they are. I discuss the senses that they begin to feel. It may be comfort or love, it could also be hunger. Without language to label these things it is just an experience. I then ask them to keep those senses aware as they begin to visualize growing up. Without putting labels on themselves I ask them to remember when they felt the most alive. We discuss what that aliveness is for them, when they felt connected to something or someone. Under all of the labels we have for ourselves, there is an awareness that remains. It may feel like love, peace, or light. Getting reconnected with our essence, our authentic self, is what I believe we are all meant to experience during our brief time on this planet. Some people find that connection in meditation, prayer, nature or in loving a pet. We can only find it when we remove the labels and judgements for a moment and become fully present with who we truly are. That sense of aliveness, love or light is who we are without the labels. We see the world and our connection to it when we take off the labels and become fully present. What would your world look like if you took some time every day to remove the labels? “You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.” –Eckhart Tolle
Who are you? It is a simple question that we often ask without much thought. We usually answer the question with a list of labels. I’m a mother, daughter, sister, counselor, or Pennsylvanian. We use labels to describe our physical characteristics, economic status, and aspects of our personality. All of these labels help us to categorize and define ourselves. Our brains love order and predictability. The labels provide neat boxes for the brain to store information. This in and of itself is not a bad thing, but there are two issues with using labels to describe ourselves. The first issue is separation, which will be explored here. The second issue, which is the difficulty in removing labels, will be discussed next week. When we label something, it is defined as separate from all other things that do not share the same label. From the time we are young, we are taught to label everything in our world. A child beginning to speak will start with labels for objects; ball, banana, mom, or dad. Having a label automatically defines it as a separate object. Once we have a label for something we can objectify it. The bird is separate from the tree, the drumstick is separate from the drum and you are separate from me. Labeling things as separate is not a problem, but it becomes a problem when we fail to remember how interconnected everything really is. What happens if we separate a plant from water or sunlight? The plant can’t survive without either, so is the plant really a separate object? What happened to the water or sunlight when it was absorbed into the plant? Do we still consider the water separate when it is in the plant? Under a microscope, we can still see the water molecules, but we don’t usually refer to a plant as water. We as people are dependent on plants for food. People could not live without plants, so are we separate? By utilizing labels, we put nice borders around things, but when we really begin to think about it, we are all very interconnected and dependent on each other and the environment in order to survive. Labels, and the separation that comes with the labels, blinds us to the interconnectedness that we experience here on Earth. We are truly an interdependent part of a larger system. We don’t think much about the system, because generally we see ourselves as separate from the system. It is an illusion that has led us to make some damaging choices. The next time you look at a person, become aware of the labels that come to mind. Which ones are ‘good’ and which are ‘bad?’ Notice how the judgement of the label creates a sense of togetherness or separation. When it is separation, are there connections that can be made? Next week I will explore what happens when we begin removing the labels. “Communication is to relationships what breath is to life.” –Virginia Satir
As I have studied various counseling theories, there is one that stands out as my favorite. That is the work of Virginia Satir, which is profound in its simplicity. When she looked at families, she knew that each member of the family was longing for love and acceptance from each other. Her goal was to validate each member and to help them see where the breakdown in communication was occurring. One of the ways she did this was by identifying the roles each family member played and how it affected the way they saw themselves and the world. She identified three necessary parts to healthy interaction; the self, others and context. When these three positions are balanced, there is congruent communication. When one or more of these three positions are denied, distorted or eliminated, defensiveness and stress occur in the communication. When someone sacrifices themselves in a situation to put the needs of others and the context of the situation first, they became what she called a placater. Placaters will put their own needs aside and will often say ‘yes’ when they really want to say ‘no.’ They will do whatever is necessary for others to be happy and will sacrifice as much of themselves as needed to please others, often out of fear of being rejected. A blamer, on the other hand, has no problem sacrificing others in order to maintain their sense of self and the context. They put the responsibility completely on other people when something goes wrong. They will often say things like, “What’s the matter with you…” or “I can’t believe you…” The super reasonable person is like a computer. They sacrifice the self and others to only focus on the context of the situation. They tend to take a detached stance and will focus on principle and what is ‘right’ instead of on people’s feelings or emotions. They will often use the word ‘it’ to communicate, such as, “It is important to…” or “It doesn’t matter.” The irrelevant communication stance doesn’t address the self, others nor the context. This is someone who can’t tolerate discomfort in a conversation and will immediately change the subject and talk about something else. They seem to hope that their distractions will avoid the hurt, pain or stress. While we all take on aspects of these styles from time to time, by objectively looking at these communication stances, it is easy to see how defensiveness arises and clear communication breaks down. When the self, others and the context are all taken into account, issues can be addressed head on. There is compassion for the other and respect for the self to address the context of the situation. What roles have you been falling into and what would change if all three aspects were balanced in congruent communication? “When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.” –Roy E. Disney
It is easy to say that something matters to us, but when we objectively look at our day, does the way we spend our time reflect what we say we value? There are many that say exercise or self-care is important, but is it the first thing that gets cut out of our busy schedule? If our family is important, are we spending quality time talking with our children- without distractions? With all of the phones and technology it is easy to spend time together without ever making eye contact. Our devices are great tools, but we also need the balance of having real conversation, with time spent both talking and listening to each other. Research has shown time and again that it is the quality of the time that we spend with each other, which is more important than the quantity of time. Is adequate time spent on activities that promote family togetherness, if that is a value? One of the things that I notice is that many people are not clear on what their values are. It is hard to say we are in alignment with our values when we are not even sure what it is that we value. Take some time to make a list of just two or three values that are the most important, then begin to notice throughout the day which activities are in alignment with those values and which are not. Is there balance? What is one thing you can do today that is in alignment with your values? What would your life look like if you spent just a few minutes each day doing that activity? In the busyness of our world it is easy to lose sight of what we value. Getting clear on what our values are and living from those values has the power to change the way we live. Are you ready? “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” — Rollo May
Communication is key to a successful relationship. Being able to talk openly and honestly with our partner leads to a healthy relationship. Yet, as I work with couples I have noticed that many of them have certain issues that tend to get avoided. When the conversation gets close to that certain issue they will often change the subject and begin to get uncomfortable. These are what I refer to as the landmines in a relationship. There is a real fear that if the topic is brought up it will blow up into an argument, so many couples avoid the area completely. While having one or two landmines in a relationship are usually easy to avoid, as more are created there become fewer and fewer safe topics to discuss and the relationship becomes threatened. Where do the landmines come from? Sometimes partners can describe exactly how the landmine was planted. They will tell of a big argument or fight they got into, which was never resolved. Anytime the issue was brought up to get resolved it blew up bigger, so eventually, to save the relationship, the subject got avoided completely. Other couples have landmines on areas of past trauma that they are unable to talk about. The couple knows the landmine is there because it accidentally gets detonated when something reminds them of the trauma, but for the most part it gets sidestepped. Other couples are completely unaware of landmine areas until they step on one and are surprised by the reaction. If you recognize having a landmine in your relationship, what do you do? First of all, it is important to acknowledge in a factual way that there is a topic which is getting avoided. This is an observation and not a judgement towards your partner. Once the topic is acknowledged, become curious about it. What is it activating in me? What are the fears or concerns that lead to that reaction? What would I need to hear or experience to be less reactive? Being able to talk about the landmine is the start of the deactivation process. If even gently touching on this area leads to a detonation, it may be helpful to seek professional counseling to support you in the deactivation process. Landmines are based on beliefs that lie under the surface, so bringing them up and becoming curious is how they begin to lose their power. Each time a landmine gets triggered, it is an opportunity to do some healing when it is dealt with in a healthy manner. Fear keeps them buried, but having the courage to bring up the landmine areas is what strengthens a relationship. What landmines have you been avoiding? “If you don’t know someone who’s had a problem with addiction, you will.” –Dana Boente
Working in the addictions field is not easy. It is not predictable either. Some of the people who start treatment and sound like they are making healthy choices in their lives, end up relapsing, while others who struggle to start suddenly have a turnaround. Recovery is a journey and every person dealing with addiction and recovery need to forge their own road to determine what works for them. As I work with clients I discuss their window of choice and help clients to figure out what stretches it. I define addiction as both a choice and disease. As I envision it, there is a window of time when a person has a choice, but once it reaches the threshold, it flips into a compulsion. At that threshold, the disease of addiction takes over and there is no longer a choice in the matter. During active addiction, the window of choice is minuscule. There is not much time from when the person feels the urge to the time they start using. Recovery is about stretching the window of choice. So, what stretches the window of choice? Whenever a person does something that brings them peace and joy they stretch the window. When they feel connected with someone or when they are able to shift their perspective of a situation they gain more power to choose. Every time a decision to not use is made and honored the window gets bigger. I encourage my clients to make a list of things they can do to stretch the window of choice. They may listen to music, take a walk, journal or draw. It may take a lot of slow work to stretch the window of choice out enough to abstain or the window can seemingly stretch in the moment that the person hits rock bottom and decides that they need to change. Recovery is about continuing to stretch out the window and adding more time of choice before hitting the threshold. Stress shrinks the window of choice. When someone has a setback or faces the pain of confronting the repercussions of addiction it causes the window of choice to get smaller, which leaves them closer to the threshold of relapse. Understanding this balance is critical. The window can shrink slowly or it can vanish the instant a certain person, place or thing appears. The key to recovery is understanding the window of choice and continually monitoring the growth or reduction of the window. When the window begins shrinking, self-care is critical to stop it. I encourage the clients to revisit the list they created and encourage them to choose at least one thing to try from their list. If you or a loved one are struggling with addiction, become curious about the window of choice and have a discussion about how to support its growth. It could be the key to change! “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.” Don Miguel Ruiz
The other day I was working with a client and he commented that the people around town are so rude. He went on to tell me a list of examples why, such as, people don’t smile at him or even say ‘hi’ when he walks by. He concluded that everyone was ignorant and judging him. I explored with him the story he was telling himself about the other people and then asked him why he cared so much about what these people thought about him. After a while, he discussed other times in his life when he felt like he didn’t belong. As mammals, we are social creatures. We have an innate desire to belong and to be accepted. When we feel like we are being outcast it is extremely painful. All of us have our own filter, through which we interpret the world. Our brains are amazing tools. They take in information and store it. These memories can serve us well, but they also color the way we see the world. There have been studies which show that when we have a history of trauma, even neutral events can become charged with emotion. Our brains become sensitized to pick up on the slightest cue that there is danger. Other people may say that we are overreacting to a situation, but to our brain, which is remembering the past event and working overtime to protect us, it isn’t an overreaction at all. If you find yourself taking comments personally, here are five tips:
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