“If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?” –W. Somerset Maugham

We all have our own way of being in this world.  Some people are optimistic and ‘happy go lucky,’ while others are pessimistic and constantly waiting for the next stroke of bad luck to hit.  We all fall somewhere on that continuum and that is our baseline experience of the world.  It is our default internal programming that keeps us stable in life.   When we are on our baseline, life feels ‘normal’ or routine.  When events happen, they sometimes throw us off our baseline.  We can tell when things are off.  We either have a feeling of being down, below our baseline, or things are going well and we are above our baseline.  Resiliency is often discussed as being able to get back to ‘normal,’ or baseline after an event occurs.
While getting back to baseline is comfortable, this doesn’t always serve us.  I often use an example of someone who has been living in poverty their whole life and they suddenly win the lottery or inherit a fortune.  Many times, these people spend the money in excess and find themselves right back at their poverty baseline.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  If they are able to raise their baseline and see themselves as a wealthy individual who respects the money they have, they can budget and invest to remain wealthy.
In order to raise our baseline, we need to see ourselves differently.  This comes from doing the work of self-compassion and forgiveness.  It comes from questioning our beliefs about who we are and what we want in our lives.  Working in the addictions field, I frequently see people who start doing well once they get clean.  For a period of time, things seem to be improving and changing.  Then suddenly something happens which causes them to relapse.  While they tell me that they have bad luck, what I often see is self-sabotaging behaviors.  Their baseline beliefs about who they are have not caught up with the changes that are happening in their lives.  They often feel unworthy of good things happening, or feel that they need to be punished for choices they made.  While intellectually they want the good, their underlying beliefs are stuck on seeing themselves as ‘broken’ or ‘dirty’ because of what they did.  Their baseline beliefs are still low, so their behaviors bring them right back to baseline.
In order to grow, our baseline beliefs about ourselves need to change.  When we go through a difficult period, many people emerge stronger than before.  This is referred to as post-traumatic growth.  The baseline of how they see themselves shifts during the low point and they have more confidence and awareness once they get through.  When we go through joyful times our baseline can raise as well.  Knowing that we are deserving of the good and worthy of the blessings allows our baseline to float up and become our new normal.  The key to growth is recognizing our baseline and questioning the beliefs that hold the baseline down.  What are your baseline beliefs?

“”Why?” is the most useless question in the universe. The only question with any meaning is “What?” Asking “Why is this happening?” can only disempower you. Asking “What do I want to make of this?” does exactly the opposite. Here is a great secret: the Why of anything is to produce the What of everything.” — Neale Donald Walsch

One of the favorite questions of every curious child is ‘why?’  When my son was going through the ‘why?’ stage I remember how frustrating it was to come up with answers to some of his questions.  While some answers were easy to explain, really thinking about why things happen is often baffling.  There are times when asking ‘why’ can be helpful.  There are cause/effect relationships.  By understanding how two objects or events are interrelated we can learn and grow.  Once we learn why, we can make predictions and better control our environment.  The problem is, many questions in life do not have a satisfying answer to ‘why.’
When we begin to ask questions like; ‘Why do some people have lives filled with suffering and hardship while others have it easy?’ or ‘Why do some people die so young?’ or ‘Why doesn’t God bring peace to our planet?’ or even ‘Why didn’t I get the dream job I was applying for?’ there are no simple explanations for ‘why?’  These are the big life questions that defy simple answers to ‘why?’  When people get stuck in the ‘why’ questions it becomes disempowering.  It begins to feel like we are the victim of life and are powerless to control everything.  Then the big question becomes, ‘Why even try?’
There is another question that is more powerful.  Instead of focusing on why, instead ask, ‘What do I want to make of this?’  The shift from ‘Why is this happening?’ to ‘What can I do about it?’ creates a different energy in the question.  ‘Why’ is passive, ‘What’ is active.  When we ask what we want to make of a situation, we have a choice.  We have the power to define how we handle every situation.  Asking ‘what’ instead of ‘why’ takes no more effort, but it can create different results.  What will you do with this information?

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” –Leo Buscaglia

Joy is an emotion that we all say we want more of.  The pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right.  But, what happens when we find the happiness and joy that we say we all want?  If you are like most people, when things are going well, we say that things are ‘too good.’  We wait for the other shoe to drop.  As crazy as it sounds, thanks to the research of Brené Brown, we now know that joy is the most difficult of all emotions for most people to stay with for any length of time.  When things are going well, we forebode the joy.  I remember standing over my son’s crib when he was a baby and as I looked at him in wonder and amazement, feeling the joy well up in my heart, I had a sudden image of him dying.  I was sure that he stopped breathing and began to panic as I didn’t see his chest move.  Of course, he was fine, but in that moment of pure joy, the brakes were applied and it was back to reality.  Whether it is due to Hollywood sensitizing us, or our own innate nature it is difficult for us to stay with joy.  When my son was going to a high school dance, a group met at a friend’s house for pictures.  He was then riding with his friends to the dance.  I couldn’t help but have a moment on the ride home, when I was alone, to think about whether the photos of him laughing and smiling could be his last.  Images of a terrible accident and headlines flashed across my mind.  This should have been a moment of joy, but instead I was worried.
Joy is an emotion that we have fear of.  In many ways it is scarier when life is going well then it is when things are falling apart.  Misery loves company.  It seems you can always find something negative to talk about with other people, and they will commiserate with you.  People try to offer support and help when it is obvious that there is a need.  When things are going well, everyone seems to assume that there is no need for support.  One of the points that Brené Brown makes is that people in recovery need to go to more meetings and be with more people when things are going well, because joy can be a trigger for relapse.
While it seems counterintuitive to think of joy as being a dangerous emotion, in many ways it is.  Joy is pure vulnerability and whenever we feel vulnerable, fear sets in.  Become aware of foreboding joy and remind yourself to enjoy the moment for what it is.  Challenge yourself to feel the pure joy of life. Take some time to soak in the joy.

“The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking.” –Deepak Chopra

The spring is a special time of year.  After months of dormancy, trees, flowers and wildlife begin to show signs of life.  It is a time of rebirth and renewal.  The celebration of Easter is about crucifixion and resurrection.  It is a time of change.  It is a time of letting go of the old and ushering in the new.  In our lives, we all have aspects of ourselves that we need to let go of.  There are beliefs, habits, and choices that no longer serve us.  What would happen if we could symbolically crucify these aspects?  What would happen if we made a conscious choice to release the beliefs which are holding us back?  This is something that we can all do, but first we have to be aware of the limiting beliefs or choices that we are making.  Once they are identified, visualize them dying.  Let go and release.  After the crucifixion, there was a time of mourning.  There was a deep sense of loss.  After holding on to certain beliefs, engaging in unhealthy habits or making disempowering choices for any length of time, there will be a sense of loss.  There will be uncertainty.  It is unsettling to let go of something without knowing what will happen next.  It is the time between no longer and not yet.  When we are able to embrace that time of change and allow ourselves to be in the unknown, a new way of being will emerge.  It will be a resurrection of our authentic self.  The new way of being will be stronger than the previous version and more fully aligned with who you truly are.  There will be a new way of seeing the world that was previously unknown.  It is a shift in perspective.  It is a new way of being in the world, which is more true to who you are.
This is a special time of the year.  It is a time of transformation.  What beliefs or habits are you willing to crucify so that your authentic self can be resurrected?

“Honestly, self-care is not fluffy – it’s something we should take seriously.” –Kris Carr

With so much to keep us busy day after day, how much time do we devote to our own self-care?  Carving out time to work on hobbies, spend time in nature or go to the gym seems to fall to the bottom of the priority list.  I was recently introduced to the concept of macro and micro self-care.  Macro self-care is made up of the big things we do for ourselves.  It can be a vacation, going to the gym for an hour a day, taking a day off work, or engaging in a hobby.  These macro activities usually take a bit of time and may involve a significant amount of money and effort.  While the macro self-care activities are extremely beneficial, because of the extended periods of time required to complete them, many people push them off and are not as faithful with them as they would like to be.  Micro self-care activities are small practices that can be woven into the day.  Most take less than a minute to complete and if they are repeated throughout the day, they can have a significant benefit.  A micro activity would be stretching at work, taking 10 mindful breaths, savoring each bite of a meal or expressing gratitude to a friend.
Self-care of our physical body is critical for our wellbeing.  Our bodies are the only vehicle we are given throughout this lifetime.  It always amazes me how many people take better care of their car than they do their body.  We feed our bodies processed junk foods, lead sedentary lives and deprive the body of rest.  We abuse our bodies, using caffeine and other drugs to artificially stimulate the senses, yet we expect our bodies to perform optimally.  There are three critical areas of self-care that our bodies need:  physical movement, rest and nutrition.  Here are some macro and micro ideas for each of these areas.  Start by squeezing in a few micro activities.  It won’t be long before you work up to the macro ones.
Physical movement
Macro: Going to the gym, developing a workout routine, going for a long walk
Micro: Taking breaks to stretch and move every hour, taking the steps instead of the elevator, parking at the far end of the parking lot
Rest
Macro: Getting 8 hours of sleep every night, meditation
Micro: Taking a 15-minute power nap, taking 10 deep breaths, taking a mental break
Nutrition
Macro: Eating a balanced diet, adding more plant based whole foods, cooking at home, avoiding fast food and processed foods.
Micro: prepare food with love, savor each bite, mindfully eat, eat with people, talk and laugh during the meal.
How different would you feel if you committed to taking care of your body with some of these macro and micro self-care activities for the next 30 days?  Give it a try!

“Life is always changing in order to remain always sustainable.  Thus, every change that ever occurs is change for the better.” Neale Donald Walsch

Change seems to be the focus of the country right now.  While change is never easy, some changes come with anticipation and excitement, while others come with fear and uncertainty.    One is not necessarily better or easier, but all changes have their unique challenges.  Whenever there is a change, it is important to separate out our emotions and our thoughts about the change.  It is easy to get stuck in our judgement about a change.  We may get so focused on how terrible the change will be that we miss the opportunity the change is providing.  It is often illuminating when I work with clients to process through the thoughts that are attached to the judgements they hold.  I begin by asking them to put words to some of the emotions they are having.  Very rarely do we have one emotion.  It is often a mixture of various emotions.  I often think of emotions like colors.  There are three primary colors, but by mixing them in varying amounts, beautiful hues and shades are created.  By asking clients to sort through the emotions they are feeling, they may find there is mostly anger, but there is also a touch of embarrassment, fear, jealousy or sadness.  I then ask them to think about the thoughts that are creating those emotions.  Often thoughts that come up are catastrophic and sound like, ‘I will never be happy again,’ ‘No good can come of this,’ or ‘They will never forgive me.’  We then begin to question if those statements are true.  I ask them to think about prior experiences and verify if they have factual evidence to support their thoughts.  It is exciting when clients begin to recognize that their imagined version of the truth is not supported by facts.  This is not to say that there are not any facts to support them, but often they begin to recognize that there are other ways of looking at the situation.  Working through these simple questions is empowering because they realize that it isn’t the change that is stopping them, but instead it is the thoughts and judgements they are holding about the change.  They then have a decision to make; do they want to change the future to duplicate the past or do they want to create something better?  The change becomes the push they need to grow.  What changes are you holding judgement about today?

“And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Over the holidays we got to talking about how times have changed.  Grandparents were sharing stories of when they got their first TV, which amazed my children.  I talked about the first TI computer we had and how I remembered typing code in to make a game.  While it sounds foreign today, it was not that long ago.  We got into a discussion about what antiquated technology my children are going to be telling their children and grandchildren about in the decades to come.  It is amazing to think about how fast technology is changing our world and what the future will be like.
     Every new year is symbolic for new potential.  It is a time to reflect upon that which has not been serving us and to draw a line in the sand.  That was then; this is now.  This year to come is full of potential, but the first step is to begin visualizing what you would like to see.  To conceive of an idea and to nurture it, is to bring it into creation.  In Genevieve Behrend’s book, Your Invisible Power, written in 1929, she discusses the importance of moving beyond the known boundaries and into the unknown.  She states, “We now fly through the air, not because anyone has been able to change the laws of Nature, but because the inventor of the flying machine learned how to apply Nature’s laws and, by making orderly use of them, produced the desired result.  So far as the natural forces are concerned, nothing has changed since the beginning.  There were no airplanes in ‘the Year One,’ because those of that generation could not conceive the idea as a practical, working possibility. ‘It has not yet been done,’ was the argument, ‘and it cannot be done.’ Yet the laws and materials for practical flying machines existed then as now.”
     This year, what new ideas will be conceived of?  What new possibilities will arise?  This generation is able to imagine things that were thought impossible by previous generations.  What an exciting time to be alive!  Here is to a NEW YEAR!

“Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream.” — Khalil Gibran

I know what you are thinking, ‘you can’t have a memory of something that hasn’t happened yet.’  This is not about time warping, but it is about playing a trick with your mind.  Scientists have demonstrated that our minds are not very good at separating reality from imagination.  Our bodies will physically react simply to our thoughts.  You know if you think about something embarrassing your cheeks begin turning red.  If you think about something upsetting your heart beats faster.  Our mind is a powerful tool and we can choose to use that tool to set some new intentions for the New Year.
     In Solution-Focused Therapy there is a powerful technique called A Letter from the Future.  To do this, the client is asked to relax and envision themselves one year from now.  They have gotten through the difficulty or challenge that they are currently facing and are doing well.  The client is asked to feel that future self and to use their senses to experience what that future self, who is wiser and happier, now knows.  They are then asked to begin writing a letter from the future self where the future self describes where they are now at and what they are doing.  The future self describes the most important steps they have taken to get to that point.  It also offers wise advice and kind words of encouragement.
Our imagination is a powerful tool, but often we use it to create future memories of worst-case scenarios.  This New Years, take a few moments to use your imagination and create some fond memories of 2017 that you can’t wait to experience!

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” –Walt Disney

     What does it mean to be comfortable?  Merriam-Webster defines comfortable as, “Affording or enjoying contentment and security.”  Their example was “a comfortable chair: was too comfortable to move.” There is a paradox in the word comfortable.  While it is something that we strive for and want, it is also one of the biggest barriers we face.  When we are too comfortable we stop moving.  We don’t want things to change and we do anything we can to keep the comfort we had.  While on the surface comfort sounds like something we would like, the reality is, life does not stop moving when we are comfortable.  Life moves on and if we are sitting back being comfortable, pretty soon life pushes us and we become uncomfortable.  I often think of comfort as something that needs to grow with us.  The shoes that were comfortable for us when we were five are no longer comfortable now.  We have to keep getting larger sizes so that we can remain comfortable.  Our life is like the pair of shoes.  We are continually growing, but many people would rather keep the same size shoes for years.  When they notice that things are starting to become uncomfortable they complain about the shoes and try to keep their life small enough to fit in them comfortably.  Changing shoes in life isn’t easy.  There is often a lot of discomfort when we take off the life that was too small and put on a larger one.  Many people mistake the pain of taking off the shoes as something that went wrong.  The failures, divorces, job loss, and illnesses are often looked at as things we label as ‘bad.’  Although it is true that they hurt at the moment, when we continue to move forward we put on the new pair of shoes and find that life has expanded.  There is a new comfort that can be experienced.  As Walt Disney said, curiosity keeps us moving.  When we are in the process of a major life change, be curious about what good can come from it.  What lessons were meant to be learned?  What relationships can be strengthened?  What opportunities lie on the other side?  Staying curious opens us up to our next level of growth and expands our comfort zone.  As Neale Donald Walsch has said, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” –Leo Buscaglia

This has been a challenging couple of weeks, as several families I know have had to deal with the death of a loved one. No matter what the circumstances, whether the individual was young or old, whether it was sudden or expected, death is not easy to face. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous book, On Death and Dying, explains various stages that people go through as part of the grieving process. She identified shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance as stages that people progress through and noted that people may be in several stages simultaneously and may move back and forth between stages. In her book, she states, “It might be helpful if more people would talk about death and dying as an intrinsic part of life just as they do not hesitate to mention when someone is expecting a new baby.” In our society, death is a taboo subject. It is not something that is commonly talked about, yet it is inevitable for all of us to face. In some cultures death is a time for joyous celebration with songs and parades, in others the deceased is kept in the home for several days after death before the burial or cremation. Buddhism actually encourages people to think about death as a constant companion, like their shadow. Although it sounds morbid, there is something special that happens when we are forced to deal with death. Suddenly all of our daily problems seem small in comparison and expressing love seems much more important. There is a shift in how we view the world when we are faced with the reality that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We begin to think about what we would miss most about life and we make those things our priority. We have all been given a terminal diagnosis: it is called birth. While we all know this, it is something that most of us don’t like to think about. Our denial of the inevitable causes us to put off doing things for another day but, if we knew that this was our last day, what would the priority be? A hospice nurse once told me that the biggest thing she learned from sitting with people in their last days was that most people talked about their regrets for the things they didn’t do when they had the opportunity. While it is often hard to find meaning in death, there is a gift; it awakens us to life.