“Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame's is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement.” --Brené Brown
Shame is a topic most people avoid. It is uncomfortable and dark. The truth is, we all have shame. It is a universal emotion and research has shown that the only people who don’t feel shame are those that are pathologically unable to feel empathy. So, if you can empathize you have shame. While most people use the terms shame and guilt interchangeably, Brené Brown has helped me to understand that there is a significant difference between them. This understanding has changed the way I look at situations and has made me aware my own self-talk. Brené makes the distinction between the two in this way; shame is a label of who we are and guilt is a behavior or something that was done. Shame is a fundamental belief that there is something wrong with us. It is the feeling of being flawed or unworthy. Guilt is the recognition of a behavior that is not in alignment with who I say I want to be. When I make a mistake at work, if my self-talk is about how stupid I am or what an idiot I am, that is shame. If my self-talk is about what a stupid mistake I made, that is guilt. It sounds like a slight difference, ‘I am stupid,’ versus ‘I did something stupid,’ but the distinction is critical. When we are in shame, there is something wrong with us and we have no power to change who we are. When we did something wrong, it is the behavior that is not working. We can change a behavior. We can’t change who we are. The distinction between these two is absolutely critical. As you begin to listen to your own self-talk, take note of any shaming statements and see if you are able to shift them to focus on the behavior or situation instead. This is a challenge, but it is important to discern which thoughts are empowering us to change and which are keeping us stuck. For example, when I look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m fat and focus on scale numbers that keep going up, I’m in shame. When I notice myself talking like this, I can choose to instead remind myself that I have been eating fast food and have not been exercising regularly, which have caused the scale numbers to go up. I now have the power to make a behavior change. I may feel guilt about the number on the scale, but recognizing that there is a behavior I can change gives me the power to do something about it. Guilt can be a powerful motivator for change, but shame eats away at our core sense of value. Shame is a deep topic and Brené Brown has written extensively on it. I will share more about her research and her understanding of how shame works in the next few weeks.
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“It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” Henry David Thoreau
Think for a minute about your daily routine. How often during the day do you feel rushed or overwhelmed? Is there a long ‘to do’ list that never seems to end? A typical day for most people is filled from morning to night with activities and commitments. When we compare our lives to those of our early ancestors, we have many modern conveniences that were intended to make life easier. Instead of giving us more quiet time to reflect though, we seem to fill it up with more stressors. We are bombarded with news and busyness without having time to simply relax and be still. In his Conversations With God books, Neale Donald Walsch discusses how we call ourselves ‘human beings,’ but many of us rarely take time to ‘be’ with ourselves. Instead, he says, we should be calling ourselves ‘human doings.’ It is difficult for many people to take time to just be. We tend to equate how productive our day was with how much we got accomplished. This is not to say that taking action and doing things is not important, but equally important is time to take care of ourselves. Many of my clients struggle to give themselves quiet time to just be still. For some, there is a sense of guilt that comes when they ‘waste’ time in meditation or quiet reflection. For others, there is a fear of being alone with themselves. The busyness is a distraction from having to face the demons they have avoided. To become a ‘human being’ we need to find time to be still. That ‘being’ time may be meditation or quiet reflection. It may be walking in nature or painting a picture. It is time to unplug from our busy lives and to reconnect with our essence. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” When we detach from doingness, we connect to beingness. If it is difficult to take time to be, this is an area to be explored. Is it a priority? If it is something that is being avoided, where does the guilt or fear come from? Seek support to explore this if necessary. Instead of avoiding that shadow, face it and go into it. How would your life change if you took time to truly be a human BEing? “Many people are alive but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.” –Thich Nhat Hanh
Last week I introduced the first part of the problem with labels, that by giving something a label it automatically becomes separate. Noticing that something is separate is not a problem, but when we lose sight of the interconnectedness of everything on this planet it becomes a problem. When we forget the fact that we are interdependent on others and our environment, we make choices that don’t sustain us. We get so caught up in the labels of separation that we forget we are more than labels. So, this brings us to the second problem, who are we without the labels? During sessions with clients I will sometimes ask them to imagine a basket with their name on. We then visualize taking all of the labels off themselves and placing them into the basket. We list the labels one by one as they are removed. When they have taken off the labels I ask them what is left? Almost every client tells me that there is nothing left. They don’t know who they are without the labels. This is the void that I feel many people have in life. They have forgotten who they are at the core. Our authentic self is the pure essence of our being, but it is covered over with so many labels that we forget. To help some of my clients get to know who is under the labels, I ask them to visualize themselves as a newborn baby. They don’t yet have language to describe the world, so all they can do is feel who they are. I discuss the senses that they begin to feel. It may be comfort or love, it could also be hunger. Without language to label these things it is just an experience. I then ask them to keep those senses aware as they begin to visualize growing up. Without putting labels on themselves I ask them to remember when they felt the most alive. We discuss what that aliveness is for them, when they felt connected to something or someone. Under all of the labels we have for ourselves, there is an awareness that remains. It may feel like love, peace, or light. Getting reconnected with our essence, our authentic self, is what I believe we are all meant to experience during our brief time on this planet. Some people find that connection in meditation, prayer, nature or in loving a pet. We can only find it when we remove the labels and judgements for a moment and become fully present with who we truly are. That sense of aliveness, love or light is who we are without the labels. We see the world and our connection to it when we take off the labels and become fully present. What would your world look like if you took some time every day to remove the labels? “You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.” –Eckhart Tolle
Who are you? It is a simple question that we often ask without much thought. We usually answer the question with a list of labels. I’m a mother, daughter, sister, counselor, or Pennsylvanian. We use labels to describe our physical characteristics, economic status, and aspects of our personality. All of these labels help us to categorize and define ourselves. Our brains love order and predictability. The labels provide neat boxes for the brain to store information. This in and of itself is not a bad thing, but there are two issues with using labels to describe ourselves. The first issue is separation, which will be explored here. The second issue, which is the difficulty in removing labels, will be discussed next week. When we label something, it is defined as separate from all other things that do not share the same label. From the time we are young, we are taught to label everything in our world. A child beginning to speak will start with labels for objects; ball, banana, mom, or dad. Having a label automatically defines it as a separate object. Once we have a label for something we can objectify it. The bird is separate from the tree, the drumstick is separate from the drum and you are separate from me. Labeling things as separate is not a problem, but it becomes a problem when we fail to remember how interconnected everything really is. What happens if we separate a plant from water or sunlight? The plant can’t survive without either, so is the plant really a separate object? What happened to the water or sunlight when it was absorbed into the plant? Do we still consider the water separate when it is in the plant? Under a microscope, we can still see the water molecules, but we don’t usually refer to a plant as water. We as people are dependent on plants for food. People could not live without plants, so are we separate? By utilizing labels, we put nice borders around things, but when we really begin to think about it, we are all very interconnected and dependent on each other and the environment in order to survive. Labels, and the separation that comes with the labels, blinds us to the interconnectedness that we experience here on Earth. We are truly an interdependent part of a larger system. We don’t think much about the system, because generally we see ourselves as separate from the system. It is an illusion that has led us to make some damaging choices. The next time you look at a person, become aware of the labels that come to mind. Which ones are ‘good’ and which are ‘bad?’ Notice how the judgement of the label creates a sense of togetherness or separation. When it is separation, are there connections that can be made? Next week I will explore what happens when we begin removing the labels. “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.” Don Miguel Ruiz
The other day I was working with a client and he commented that the people around town are so rude. He went on to tell me a list of examples why, such as, people don’t smile at him or even say ‘hi’ when he walks by. He concluded that everyone was ignorant and judging him. I explored with him the story he was telling himself about the other people and then asked him why he cared so much about what these people thought about him. After a while, he discussed other times in his life when he felt like he didn’t belong. As mammals, we are social creatures. We have an innate desire to belong and to be accepted. When we feel like we are being outcast it is extremely painful. All of us have our own filter, through which we interpret the world. Our brains are amazing tools. They take in information and store it. These memories can serve us well, but they also color the way we see the world. There have been studies which show that when we have a history of trauma, even neutral events can become charged with emotion. Our brains become sensitized to pick up on the slightest cue that there is danger. Other people may say that we are overreacting to a situation, but to our brain, which is remembering the past event and working overtime to protect us, it isn’t an overreaction at all. If you find yourself taking comments personally, here are five tips:
“My goal is to make space for my selfhood. All of it. All of me, not just the parts I like or think that others like but all of it.” –Tracee Ellis Ross
We all have parts to us. Part of me may want to go out to eat, but another part wants to stay home. Part of me wants to clean the house on a Saturday morning, but another part wants to sleep in. It is normal for our parts to be in conflict with each other, but when they don’t agree, how do we decide who wins? I envision all of us to have many different parts within. These aspects of our self all have their own personalities. We all have a lazy part, but when the lazy part constantly wins we begin to define ourselves as lazy. When the addiction part constantly wins, we define ourselves as an addict. I envision each part to have a counterpart. The lazy part is balanced by an energetic part. The responsible part is balanced by an irresponsible part. So, what do we do when our parts are in conflict? I recently had a session with a client who was frustrated with her habit of procrastination. She discussed how whenever she had a project to do in school, she would wait until the last minute and then rush to complete the assignment, often getting poor grades. She was aware that other people in her class were working on their projects from the moment they were assigned. She wanted to know why they could be disciplined, when she couldn’t. We discussed how she has a disciplined part as well, it is just being overshadowed by the procrastination part. We talked about the power that the procrastination part had been given over the years and why her procrastination part felt the need to take control whenever she had a project to complete. The key to controlling our parts is to increase our awareness of the parts. We are not our parts. Our awareness is the director of the parts. It is our authentic self who is actually in control of our parts. When our director is able to recognize that a part has taken over it can decide if the part’s action is in alignment with who we say we want to be, or not. It is the director’s job to decide which part wins when our parts don’t agree. Our authentic self knows what our goals are and what actions we need to take to be true to ourselves. It can then choose which part will win when the parts don’t agree. How much control does your director have, or are the parts running amok? “Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.” John Maxwell
We think we know what we want. We have our sights set on a goal and we know what needs to happen to make it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always cooperate with our plans. Instead of success, we experience ‘failure.’ These so called ‘failures’ are often anything but a failure. I recently heard an old story which puts this into perspective. There was once a poor peasant who lived in China with his son. Their most prized possession was their horse. One day the boy left the gate open and the horse ran away. Everyone from the village told the man how terrible it was that his horse escaped. The man simply responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Two days later the horse returned and there were six wild horses who followed him. The villagers all exclaimed how wonderful it was that the horse returned. The man again responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Several days later the boy was taming one of the wild horses and he was thrown off, injuring his leg. The villagers told the man how terrible it was. Again, the man responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Several days later the Emperor’s army came through their village, taking all the young men to fight in the war. Because the boy was injured he was not taken. The villagers returned to tell him how wonderful it was that his boy was spared, to which the man responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ This story is a wonderful illustration of letting go of attachment to an outcome. The wise man knew that what looked like a ‘failure’ could turn out to be a blessing and what appeared to be just what he wanted, could in fact turn out to be trouble. Life is filled with ups and downs, blessings and disasters. While it is important to set goals and take action, sometimes life has other plans. Going with what is and letting go of our attachment to how life is supposed to be, is a blessing. Is this experience what you wanted? Maybe yes, maybe no…. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” –Leo Buscaglia
Joy is an emotion that we all say we want more of. The pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right. But, what happens when we find the happiness and joy that we say we all want? If you are like most people, when things are going well, we say that things are ‘too good.’ We wait for the other shoe to drop. As crazy as it sounds, thanks to the research of Brené Brown, we now know that joy is the most difficult of all emotions for most people to stay with for any length of time. When things are going well, we forebode the joy. I remember standing over my son’s crib when he was a baby and as I looked at him in wonder and amazement, feeling the joy well up in my heart, I had a sudden image of him dying. I was sure that he stopped breathing and began to panic as I didn’t see his chest move. Of course, he was fine, but in that moment of pure joy, the brakes were applied and it was back to reality. Whether it is due to Hollywood sensitizing us, or our own innate nature it is difficult for us to stay with joy. When my son was going to a high school dance, a group met at a friend’s house for pictures. He was then riding with his friends to the dance. I couldn’t help but have a moment on the ride home, when I was alone, to think about whether the photos of him laughing and smiling could be his last. Images of a terrible accident and headlines flashed across my mind. This should have been a moment of joy, but instead I was worried. Joy is an emotion that we have fear of. In many ways it is scarier when life is going well then it is when things are falling apart. Misery loves company. It seems you can always find something negative to talk about with other people, and they will commiserate with you. People try to offer support and help when it is obvious that there is a need. When things are going well, everyone seems to assume that there is no need for support. One of the points that Brené Brown makes is that people in recovery need to go to more meetings and be with more people when things are going well, because joy can be a trigger for relapse. While it seems counterintuitive to think of joy as being a dangerous emotion, in many ways it is. Joy is pure vulnerability and whenever we feel vulnerable, fear sets in. Become aware of foreboding joy and remind yourself to enjoy the moment for what it is. Challenge yourself to feel the pure joy of life. Take some time to soak in the joy. “The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking.” –Deepak Chopra
The spring is a special time of year. After months of dormancy, trees, flowers and wildlife begin to show signs of life. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. The celebration of Easter is about crucifixion and resurrection. It is a time of change. It is a time of letting go of the old and ushering in the new. In our lives, we all have aspects of ourselves that we need to let go of. There are beliefs, habits, and choices that no longer serve us. What would happen if we could symbolically crucify these aspects? What would happen if we made a conscious choice to release the beliefs which are holding us back? This is something that we can all do, but first we have to be aware of the limiting beliefs or choices that we are making. Once they are identified, visualize them dying. Let go and release. After the crucifixion, there was a time of mourning. There was a deep sense of loss. After holding on to certain beliefs, engaging in unhealthy habits or making disempowering choices for any length of time, there will be a sense of loss. There will be uncertainty. It is unsettling to let go of something without knowing what will happen next. It is the time between no longer and not yet. When we are able to embrace that time of change and allow ourselves to be in the unknown, a new way of being will emerge. It will be a resurrection of our authentic self. The new way of being will be stronger than the previous version and more fully aligned with who you truly are. There will be a new way of seeing the world that was previously unknown. It is a shift in perspective. It is a new way of being in the world, which is more true to who you are. This is a special time of the year. It is a time of transformation. What beliefs or habits are you willing to crucify so that your authentic self can be resurrected? “Honestly, self-care is not fluffy – it’s something we should take seriously.” –Kris Carr
With so much to keep us busy day after day, how much time do we devote to our own self-care? Carving out time to work on hobbies, spend time in nature or go to the gym seems to fall to the bottom of the priority list. I was recently introduced to the concept of macro and micro self-care. Macro self-care is made up of the big things we do for ourselves. It can be a vacation, going to the gym for an hour a day, taking a day off work, or engaging in a hobby. These macro activities usually take a bit of time and may involve a significant amount of money and effort. While the macro self-care activities are extremely beneficial, because of the extended periods of time required to complete them, many people push them off and are not as faithful with them as they would like to be. Micro self-care activities are small practices that can be woven into the day. Most take less than a minute to complete and if they are repeated throughout the day, they can have a significant benefit. A micro activity would be stretching at work, taking 10 mindful breaths, savoring each bite of a meal or expressing gratitude to a friend. Self-care of our physical body is critical for our wellbeing. Our bodies are the only vehicle we are given throughout this lifetime. It always amazes me how many people take better care of their car than they do their body. We feed our bodies processed junk foods, lead sedentary lives and deprive the body of rest. We abuse our bodies, using caffeine and other drugs to artificially stimulate the senses, yet we expect our bodies to perform optimally. There are three critical areas of self-care that our bodies need: physical movement, rest and nutrition. Here are some macro and micro ideas for each of these areas. Start by squeezing in a few micro activities. It won’t be long before you work up to the macro ones. Physical movement Macro: Going to the gym, developing a workout routine, going for a long walk Micro: Taking breaks to stretch and move every hour, taking the steps instead of the elevator, parking at the far end of the parking lot Rest Macro: Getting 8 hours of sleep every night, meditation Micro: Taking a 15-minute power nap, taking 10 deep breaths, taking a mental break Nutrition Macro: Eating a balanced diet, adding more plant based whole foods, cooking at home, avoiding fast food and processed foods. Micro: prepare food with love, savor each bite, mindfully eat, eat with people, talk and laugh during the meal. How different would you feel if you committed to taking care of your body with some of these macro and micro self-care activities for the next 30 days? Give it a try! |
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