“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.” –Buddha
All relationships have their moments. Two people cannot live together without having differences of opinion from time to time. When these differences of opinion arise, how they are handled can either escalate the situation or resolve it. Criticism is the first of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ that were introduced last week. Criticism is basically attacking the partner’s character instead of addressing the situation. Judgment is an easy trap to fall into. We often assume that we know why our partner is or isn’t doing something and believe that we need to let them know about it. When we address an issue, the focus can either be on the behavior or the person. It sounds like semantics to talk about the behavior or the person doing the behavior, but there is a significant difference. When behavior is addressed, the person themselves are still okay and there is a behavior change that can happen. When the focus is on the person, it becomes a personal attack on their character, which implies that they are not okay. This is criticism. There are often a lot of ‘always’ and ‘never’ words used in criticism. It sounds like ‘You always leave your clothes on the floor!’ ‘Why don’t you ever say anything nice to me?’ or ‘You never do anything right!’ Criticism is saying that the person is somehow flawed and there is something wrong with them. So, how can a partner’s behavior be addressed respectfully without attacking the person? It is important to start out with the facts of the situation, without adding emotion. ‘When this happened…’ Then state how it makes you feel. This is where finding an appropriate emotion word is important. There are hundreds of emotions that we can feel, but we usually limit our vocabulary to only three- happy, sad and angry. Try to tune in and find which emotion or mixture of emotions you feel. Did the behavior make you; upset, envious, frustrated, anxious, unheard, hurt, jealous, vulnerable, scared, etc… The third step is to ask for what you would like. ‘What I would like is….’ The final step is to ask if your partner is willing to honor that request. If they are not, negotiate to find something that meets both of your needs. For example, what would it be like to hear, “When I find your socks laying all over the house, I feel unappreciated. What I would like is for you to put your socks in the laundry room. Would you be able to do that?” This statement addresses the behavior and is not a personal attack. This sounds very different from, ‘You always leave your socks laying around the house! Why can’t you ever put them in the laundry room?’ Patterns of behavior develop throughout a relationship. If criticism is a frequent pattern of communication in your relationship, the first step is to recognize it. Try experimenting with addressing the behavior using these four steps and see if the tone shifts. Next week I will discuss the second ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse’ which is contempt.
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“Marriage is an extremely difficult relationship.”–Lee Radziwill
Being in a relationship is difficult work. Whenever two completely unique individuals choose to spend a significant amount of time together, conflict is bound to occur. We all see the world through our own lens and it is often difficult to remember that others don’t see it the way we do. As I work with couples, one of the things I listen for is what is called the ‘Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.’ Dr. John Gottman has done a significant amount of research with couples and he has been able to identify four behaviors that accurately predict divorce. When couples are entrenched in these four behaviors a significant amount of time, there is an 80-90% chance that the couple will get a divorce. While it is normal for healthy couples to display these behaviors from time to time, if these behaviors are becoming routine ways of communicating, trouble is looming.
—This post is based on the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, Ph.D. “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”– Barbara De Angelis
Relationships are complex. Whenever two separate individuals choose to spend a significant amount of time together and share living space, there are bound to be some differences. While in a healthy relationship, most issues can be resolved without major disruption to daily life, there is one question that always needs a ‘yes’ answer. When this one question is answered with a ‘no’ small differences become big issues. What is this big question? Are you there for me? Dr. Sue Johnson developed Emotion Focused Couple Therapy and came up with this powerful question. She uses the acronym A.R.E. to focus couples on the three components that are critical for emotional responsiveness. ‘A’ stands for Accessibility. Can the partners reach each other? When they are accessible they stay open to each other, even when struggling to connect. ‘R’ is for Responsiveness. Can the partners rely on getting an emotional response. Are they tuned into each other? Are they picking up on each others emotional signals and providing comfort to their partner? The ‘E’ is Engagement. Do the partners engage each other and give each other their attention? In our day to day life it is easy to get side tracked. It is easy to focus on the kids, cooking, cleaning or work, while missing opportunities for connection with our partner. There is no denying that most couples are busy. I often hear that they just don’t have time to focus on each other. The relationship becomes the last thing on the priority list and most days it never gets checked off. One of the things I discuss is that feeling connected and knowing that your partner is there for you, happens mostly in small moments. It can be a knowing glance or a smile. It can be just a few words of support or a question about their day. While often, these small moments are taken for granted, they are important for developing connection. Each little moment is like a stitch in a quilt. The more stitches, the more securely fastened the fabric is. When we miss little moments we start to fall apart. How many small moments can you make today? |
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