“All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say ‘No’ and said ‘Yes.'” — Moss Hart
“But, if I say ‘no’ they won’t like me!” Julie recently told me. We discussed what makes it hard for her to say ‘no.’ She told me it is her responsibility to put everyone else’s needs before hers. I asked if she feels the need to please others before taking care of herself may have anything to do with the current addiction she is suffering from. She noted that she hadn’t thought about it before. The need to please is common, especially in females. While there are many reasons why clients have a hard time saying ‘no,’ one of the most common reasons I hear is that they believe friendship is based on doing things for other people. There is a belief that the friendship isn’t really about being with a person, but is more a way to get needs met. They look for people that can give them what they need and then do favors for them, expecting to get their own needs met. For people who don’t drive, they may befriend a person with a vehicle. They start doing favors and giving the person things so that they can get the ride when they need it. This ‘banking of favors’ does not usually end well. Often, when they have a need and expect the favor in return, it is met with rejection. Since they have based the friendship on balancing of needs, when they are let down by someone they end the friendship and go looking for someone else who will be able to meet their needs. This becomes a perpetual problem. Another reason is that they feel their needs are secondary to other people. They justify how their children’s or spouse’s needs are more important than theirs. Minimizing their own needs leads to resentment. When they do express a need and it is rejected there is a reinforcement that their needs are not important enough to be met. One of the things I discuss is how in a healthy family system, everyone’s needs are equal. There can be negotiation and compromise, but denial of anyone’s needs is never acceptable. When someone has sacrificed their needs for the family it is often difficult to start saying ‘no.’ One of the things I discuss is starting to set better boundaries with other people. Boundaries are not cutting people off, but are new agreements that can get made between two people. It is respecting the new agreement so that everyone’s needs are met. When I worked with Julie, one the things I had her work on was to set a goal to make at least one person mad each day. If she made more than one person mad in a day that was a bonus! I asked her to consciously choose whether she wanted to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ It took a lot of courage for her to start saying ‘no.’ She told me that after I gave her this challenge, she got a call from her brother asking her to babysit her niece. She told me she had other plans, but before would have rearranged her plans. She got up the courage to say ‘no,’ fully expecting him to be mad at her. She discussed how surprised she was that he just said, ‘okay.’ It was empowering for her to realize that he still liked her! Setting boundaries and choosing ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is a gift to yourself. Other people will respect you more when you negotiate agreements to get everyone’s needs met. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no.’ People will still like you!
0 Comments
“Life is always changing in order to remain always sustainable. Thus, every change that ever occurs is change for the better.” Neale Donald Walsch
Change seems to be the focus of the country right now. While change is never easy, some changes come with anticipation and excitement, while others come with fear and uncertainty. One is not necessarily better or easier, but all changes have their unique challenges. Whenever there is a change, it is important to separate out our emotions and our thoughts about the change. It is easy to get stuck in our judgement about a change. We may get so focused on how terrible the change will be that we miss the opportunity the change is providing. It is often illuminating when I work with clients to process through the thoughts that are attached to the judgements they hold. I begin by asking them to put words to some of the emotions they are having. Very rarely do we have one emotion. It is often a mixture of various emotions. I often think of emotions like colors. There are three primary colors, but by mixing them in varying amounts, beautiful hues and shades are created. By asking clients to sort through the emotions they are feeling, they may find there is mostly anger, but there is also a touch of embarrassment, fear, jealousy or sadness. I then ask them to think about the thoughts that are creating those emotions. Often thoughts that come up are catastrophic and sound like, ‘I will never be happy again,’ ‘No good can come of this,’ or ‘They will never forgive me.’ We then begin to question if those statements are true. I ask them to think about prior experiences and verify if they have factual evidence to support their thoughts. It is exciting when clients begin to recognize that their imagined version of the truth is not supported by facts. This is not to say that there are not any facts to support them, but often they begin to recognize that there are other ways of looking at the situation. Working through these simple questions is empowering because they realize that it isn’t the change that is stopping them, but instead it is the thoughts and judgements they are holding about the change. They then have a decision to make; do they want to change the future to duplicate the past or do they want to create something better? The change becomes the push they need to grow. What changes are you holding judgement about today? “Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around.”–Bryan White
I have always loved the feeling that comes at Christmas time. People seem to become more giving, loving and peaceful. It is truly magical when we take time to soak in the season. While Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus during this time, several years ago I heard a new take on the Christmas story that is universal. I’d like to share it with you here. In the Bible, it says that Mary had a strong faith that was unwavering. Because she was able to hold onto her faith, despite the difficult circumstances around her, she was given a divine gift. In our lives there are divine ideas which come to us. All of the great inventions and movements which changed the world began as an idea. Where do these ideas come from? Mary Morrissey has said that ideas are God’s currency. When we are curious, we are open to new ideas. There is a difference between a low level idea and a divine idea. Low level ideas are based on conditions, what I think is reasonable and possible. Divine ideas are the big ideas that come to us out of the blue. They are the ideas that grab our attention and make us take notice. These ideas are a divine gift. When the angel told Mary what was to come, her immediate question was, ‘How can this be, I’m a virgin.’ When we are given a divine idea it is something new. We have never done it before and it often feels bigger than we are capable of handling. Although Mary’s faith wavered initially, the angel told her of another miracle that was also happening and Mary resumed her faith. We too, can look to other people for inspiration. Amidst all of the negative news, there are stories of miracles. This time of year more attention seems to get focused on the good in the world. When we see what is possible, we gain confidence to follow our own divine ideas. Then there is the period of challenge. While Mary was pregnant she had to travel over difficult terrain. She was denied room at the inn and eventually gave birth in a stable. When we are given a divine idea there will be challenges. It may not be easy and people may not support the idea. It may even appear to be imperfect in how it is coming about. Holding onto faith and not giving up, even when others deny it or turn you away, is part of the journey. When we hold an unwavering faith, we too find that nothing is impossible. Mary is truly an inspiration and looking at her story from a metaphysical perspective gives it a new meaning. What divine idea are you ready to birth into this world? “We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” –Walt Disney
What does it mean to be comfortable? Merriam-Webster defines comfortable as, “Affording or enjoying contentment and security.” Their example was “a comfortable chair: was too comfortable to move.” There is a paradox in the word comfortable. While it is something that we strive for and want, it is also one of the biggest barriers we face. When we are too comfortable we stop moving. We don’t want things to change and we do anything we can to keep the comfort we had. While on the surface comfort sounds like something we would like, the reality is, life does not stop moving when we are comfortable. Life moves on and if we are sitting back being comfortable, pretty soon life pushes us and we become uncomfortable. I often think of comfort as something that needs to grow with us. The shoes that were comfortable for us when we were five are no longer comfortable now. We have to keep getting larger sizes so that we can remain comfortable. Our life is like the pair of shoes. We are continually growing, but many people would rather keep the same size shoes for years. When they notice that things are starting to become uncomfortable they complain about the shoes and try to keep their life small enough to fit in them comfortably. Changing shoes in life isn’t easy. There is often a lot of discomfort when we take off the life that was too small and put on a larger one. Many people mistake the pain of taking off the shoes as something that went wrong. The failures, divorces, job loss, and illnesses are often looked at as things we label as ‘bad.’ Although it is true that they hurt at the moment, when we continue to move forward we put on the new pair of shoes and find that life has expanded. There is a new comfort that can be experienced. As Walt Disney said, curiosity keeps us moving. When we are in the process of a major life change, be curious about what good can come from it. What lessons were meant to be learned? What relationships can be strengthened? What opportunities lie on the other side? Staying curious opens us up to our next level of growth and expands our comfort zone. As Neale Donald Walsch has said, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” “Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” –Leo Buscaglia
This has been a challenging couple of weeks, as several families I know have had to deal with the death of a loved one. No matter what the circumstances, whether the individual was young or old, whether it was sudden or expected, death is not easy to face. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous book, On Death and Dying, explains various stages that people go through as part of the grieving process. She identified shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance as stages that people progress through and noted that people may be in several stages simultaneously and may move back and forth between stages. In her book, she states, “It might be helpful if more people would talk about death and dying as an intrinsic part of life just as they do not hesitate to mention when someone is expecting a new baby.” In our society, death is a taboo subject. It is not something that is commonly talked about, yet it is inevitable for all of us to face. In some cultures death is a time for joyous celebration with songs and parades, in others the deceased is kept in the home for several days after death before the burial or cremation. Buddhism actually encourages people to think about death as a constant companion, like their shadow. Although it sounds morbid, there is something special that happens when we are forced to deal with death. Suddenly all of our daily problems seem small in comparison and expressing love seems much more important. There is a shift in how we view the world when we are faced with the reality that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We begin to think about what we would miss most about life and we make those things our priority. We have all been given a terminal diagnosis: it is called birth. While we all know this, it is something that most of us don’t like to think about. Our denial of the inevitable causes us to put off doing things for another day but, if we knew that this was our last day, what would the priority be? A hospice nurse once told me that the biggest thing she learned from sitting with people in their last days was that most people talked about their regrets for the things they didn’t do when they had the opportunity. While it is often hard to find meaning in death, there is a gift; it awakens us to life. “Inside each of us, there is the seed of both good and evil. It’s a constant struggle as to which one will win. And one cannot exist without the other.” –Eric Burdon
I have always known that there were different aspects of myself that I chose to allow others to see. Growing up I was a ‘good girl’ in school. I took on the role of the shy kid in class who didn’t dare to get into trouble. When I came home though, it was a different story. Throughout our lives different characters take center stage depending on what situation we are in. I am a different person when I’m talking to my boss then I am when I am talking to my son. Several theories of counseling talk about internal characters or parts of us that gain control. I like to think about it as a cast of characters who perform and take center stage at different points throughout the day. Some of the characters are shadowy aspects of ourselves, others are ones we like. While we need all of the characters, if the character on stage is in alignment with our authentic self, we feel good but, when it is out of alignment, we feel disconnected and disappointed with ourselves. The important thing about this analogy is that we are not any of the characters that are on the stage; we are the director behind the scenes. Many of us were never taught that we get to control which character goes on stage at what time. Most of us simply react to situations and the parts get to choose for themselves which ones go on stage. Sometimes we are happy with the part that stepped up to center stage, other times we are embarrassed by it. When we realize that we are able to pause in a situation and internally choose which character to place on the stage we uncover a hidden power. When we realize that a dark part has been on center stage, then make a decision to pull that character off stage and replace it with a more authentic part, we begin to make different choices about life. When we are the director we are able to yell, ‘cut’ when a part has gotten out of control. Are you ready to sit in the director’s chair? “Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst.”- Bryant H. McGill
What is the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat? A thermometer is a tool which displays the temperature of the environment it is in. It simply reflects the air temperature around it. A thermostat on the other hand, regulates the environment. When a temperature is set it will turn up or down the heat to keep the air temperature it controls stable. A thermometer reacts to the environment, a thermostat controls the environment. This a critical difference. In life, many of us have never been taught that we actually have a thermostat to control our emotions. We live believing we only have a thermometer. When something happens we get angry. We believe we can’t control the anger, it just comes up from within us. Many people live believing that they are at the mercy of their emotions and the outside circumstances determine how they feel. When a car cuts them off in traffic, they immediately respond with anger. There is yelling, cursing and maybe even some gestures. When the thermometer reads danger or fear they simply react to the circumstance with whatever emotion comes up. What if we forced ourselves to look at that situation differently? Instead of telling the story about how the driver in the other car is inconsiderate and doesn’t know how to drive, how would their emotion shift if they found out the person in the car was on their way to the hospital after getting a call that their child was just in a serious accident? Instead of having rage toward the other driver, there would be compassion. In life there are many circumstances and events that we don’t have any control over. We do, however have complete control over how we respond to those events. When we take responsibility for setting our thermostats and monitoring when the thermostat is out of control we begin to live our lives differently. There is a difference between experiencing an emotion and becoming an emotion. Whenever you notice your thermometer reading an extreme temperature, take a moment to push pause and become curious about your choice of how to respond to the situation. Simply taking a few deep breaths in the moment can help to regulate the temperature and make it a more comfortable space for everyone. “The man who has no imagination has no wings.” — Muhammad Ali
As we look at the world we take in information through our five senses. From the time we are born we see, hear, smell, taste and touch to gain an understanding of our surroundings. While all animals also have five senses, we as humans are able to do something special with the information we receive. Through evolution, we have developed a part of our brain which allows us to process information and not just react to our situation, but to actually imagine what could happen and make choices. To take information in through our five senses gives us knowledge, but that knowledge is limited without an imagination to see the hidden possibilities. Albert Einstein said, “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” This is powerful! As a former teacher I know that we focus a lot of time in schools drilling knowledge into our children. There is a set curriculum and standards that children are expected to meet. We give them tests to make sure that they have adequate knowledge. Since the scores on those tests are important to the district a large portion of time is spent making sure the kids are prepared with enough knowledge to pass. When do we ever test for imagination? When kids daydream they are scolded and told to focus on the knowledge that is being presented. While there are a few classes like art and music where kids are encouraged to use their imagination, the time is limited. When we think about everything that has been created in the world, it was first a thought in someone’s imagination before it became a thing. Edison imagined creating a system of illumination before the light bulb was invented. Walt Disney imagined a mouse before a cartoon was developed. The inventors of the chair, fork, toothbrush and every other item we use first had a thought and imagined it before they set out to create it. We are at a critical point in our human history. There are problems we are facing which knowledge cannot solve. What we need now is imagination. Many people think they don’t have a good imagination, but they do just fine at imagining everything that can go wrong. What would happen if we all took some time to imagine what could go right–to imagine a world we would love to live in? What if we imagined political parties and countries working together and solving problems that once seemed impossible? What if we imagine solutions for energy, the economy, education and violence? What kind of world could we create if we all imagine a world of peace? Maybe it is time to find out…. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”– Lucille Ball
One of the questions I usually ask my clients is ‘What thoughts do you have about yourself when you look in the mirror?’ I have yet to come across anyone who says that they love themselves when they see the reflection looking back. Usually there is a lot of criticism. There are thoughts about the weight they need to lose, the wrinkles that are getting deeper, the grey hairs that are emerging or thoughts of guilt and shame regarding things they did or didn’t do. To even start to ask clients to look in the mirror and talk compassionately let alone, lovingly to themselves is often difficult territory. We have been programed with many messages about self-love that are not serving us. Many people believe that it would be selfish to love themselves. They use as examples people who are narcissistic and flaunt their wealth, status or physical attributes. Actually, I believe that the more obsessed someone is with their image the less they love themselves. Anita Moorjani states, “The less you love yourself, the more you need other people to prove that you’re lovable. That becomes your agenda. When we do love ourselves, we know we’re lovable. We don’t need to prove it.” Self-love has nothing to do with the material things we have or the shape of our bodies. It has everything to do with knowing the truth about who we are. There is a difference between a relative truth and an absolute truth. Relative truths can change over time, but when we hear an absolute truth it touches on something deep inside and resonates. We instinctively know that it is true. When an absolute truth is stumbled across, it makes us take pause and we feel its power. A few absolute truths that I have found are: Anything is possible, Everything is energy, We are all one, I am worthy of love and I am the creator of my own destiny. As I work with clients I have found that helping them come up with their own statement of truth is not as easy as it sounds. One client came up with a statement of, “I deserve to be happy for me and my children.” But, actually saying it aloud was extremely difficult for her. There were so many voices of doubt and self-hated that came up along with the prior programing which said it was wrong to love herself, that actually speaking her truth was excruciating. Re-writing our default programing of doubt and laying down new programing of power takes work. Overcoming the doubts and fears is not a simple task. There is no other task that is more important in life though. When we love ourselves we see the world differently. We realize that our own self-love is the biggest gift we can ever give to ourselves and to those around us. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison
In life there are many times when the best laid plans go awry. We take action on something and it fails or other people let us down or the weather ruins the day. It is easy to get discouraged and give up when things don’t work out. It is easy to go back into our comfort zone and refuse to try again. It is easy to say it just wasn’t meant to be. It is much harder in life to persevere. Thomas Edison was considered one of the greatest inventors of our time, but he also had some epic fails. His very first patented invention was an electrographic vote recorder. It was designed to allow officials voting on a bill to automatically tally their votes. He thought his fortune was made, but when he took it to Washington it was completely rejected. It would have been easy for him to give up, to stick with working as a telegraph operator, but he continued to push forward. Along with his famous working inventions he also created many not so great inventions that flopped. Edison was a bold and brave thinker who didn’t get discouraged by what looked like failure. He saw the opportunity in each invention that didn’t work and was too busy working on his next idea to focus on the one that didn’t work out as planned. In the book, Your Invisible Power, Genevieve Behrend shares a story of how she was trying to get accepted to study under a man she greatly admired. When she first approached him with her request he rejected her. She then states, “I declined to be discouraged.” She goes on to explain how she persevered and eventually got him to accept her. I love her line, ‘I DECLINED to be discouraged.’ Even though she got the rejection letter, she chose to hold on to the belief that there was a way for her to study with him. How many times do we simply accept discouragement when we have equal power to decline it? Edison declined to be discouraged as did the Wright brothers, Henry Ford and many other brave thinkers. Although it feels safer to crawl back into our box, that thinking robs the world of our gifts. So, the next time you are discouraged, think about what it would it look like to decline the discouragement and instead move forward. |
Archives
April 2020
Categories
All
|