“My goal is to make space for my selfhood. All of it. All of me, not just the parts I like or think that others like but all of it.” –Tracee Ellis Ross
We all have parts to us. Part of me may want to go out to eat, but another part wants to stay home. Part of me wants to clean the house on a Saturday morning, but another part wants to sleep in. It is normal for our parts to be in conflict with each other, but when they don’t agree, how do we decide who wins? I envision all of us to have many different parts within. These aspects of our self all have their own personalities. We all have a lazy part, but when the lazy part constantly wins we begin to define ourselves as lazy. When the addiction part constantly wins, we define ourselves as an addict. I envision each part to have a counterpart. The lazy part is balanced by an energetic part. The responsible part is balanced by an irresponsible part. So, what do we do when our parts are in conflict? I recently had a session with a client who was frustrated with her habit of procrastination. She discussed how whenever she had a project to do in school, she would wait until the last minute and then rush to complete the assignment, often getting poor grades. She was aware that other people in her class were working on their projects from the moment they were assigned. She wanted to know why they could be disciplined, when she couldn’t. We discussed how she has a disciplined part as well, it is just being overshadowed by the procrastination part. We talked about the power that the procrastination part had been given over the years and why her procrastination part felt the need to take control whenever she had a project to complete. The key to controlling our parts is to increase our awareness of the parts. We are not our parts. Our awareness is the director of the parts. It is our authentic self who is actually in control of our parts. When our director is able to recognize that a part has taken over it can decide if the part’s action is in alignment with who we say we want to be, or not. It is the director’s job to decide which part wins when our parts don’t agree. Our authentic self knows what our goals are and what actions we need to take to be true to ourselves. It can then choose which part will win when the parts don’t agree. How much control does your director have, or are the parts running amok?
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“Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.” John Maxwell
We think we know what we want. We have our sights set on a goal and we know what needs to happen to make it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always cooperate with our plans. Instead of success, we experience ‘failure.’ These so called ‘failures’ are often anything but a failure. I recently heard an old story which puts this into perspective. There was once a poor peasant who lived in China with his son. Their most prized possession was their horse. One day the boy left the gate open and the horse ran away. Everyone from the village told the man how terrible it was that his horse escaped. The man simply responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Two days later the horse returned and there were six wild horses who followed him. The villagers all exclaimed how wonderful it was that the horse returned. The man again responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Several days later the boy was taming one of the wild horses and he was thrown off, injuring his leg. The villagers told the man how terrible it was. Again, the man responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ Several days later the Emperor’s army came through their village, taking all the young men to fight in the war. Because the boy was injured he was not taken. The villagers returned to tell him how wonderful it was that his boy was spared, to which the man responded, ‘maybe yes, maybe no.’ This story is a wonderful illustration of letting go of attachment to an outcome. The wise man knew that what looked like a ‘failure’ could turn out to be a blessing and what appeared to be just what he wanted, could in fact turn out to be trouble. Life is filled with ups and downs, blessings and disasters. While it is important to set goals and take action, sometimes life has other plans. Going with what is and letting go of our attachment to how life is supposed to be, is a blessing. Is this experience what you wanted? Maybe yes, maybe no…. “We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy’s fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure–your perfection–is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
One of the comments I hear repeatedly in sessions is that people just want to be happy. While it seems like a simple request it is elusive for many. Why is happiness so hard to find? I believe that people aren’t looking in the right place. They spend their time searching for something to bring them happiness. Our media has sold us on the belief that we need their product in order to be happy. We can only smile when we have a Coke in our hand or when we are eating a Big Mac. Contrary to what most people believe, getting the perfect job, finding a soulmate, or moving into the dream house are not things that will bring happiness. There are plenty of people who have those things and are still miserable. Happiness is something that we all have. If you are able to bring happiness and joy to others it is because you have it within you. We can only give what we already have. The problem is that we are often good at giving happiness, but are blocked to receiving it. It is like we are only ever able to exhale without being able to inhale. It just doesn’t work. What we need is to be able to complete the circuit. We need to open ourselves up to receive the joy and experience the happiness that is already ours. Happiness is our default programming, our natural state of being. Our thoughts, worries and ruminations are like a wedge that is driven down, cutting off the return flow of happiness. As long as we are stuck in our head we are not able to feel our natural happiness. When we take time for ourselves, when we slow down and enjoy the smell of the flowers or look in awe at the night sky, we open up the flow. We can also become curious about what the blocks in our lives are. Working to understand and push through the pain of the blocks allows them to dissolve and returns us to the natural state of happiness and joy that is our birthright. Are you ready to look at the blocks to happiness and open up to joy? “If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.” –Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Working with couples is always interesting. Two unique individuals cannot spend a significant amount of time together without bumping into each other from time to time. There are bound to be disagreements or arguments, but how they are dealt with can make the difference between a healthy relationship and a rocky one. One of the things I often see is that the partners are sailing in two different directions. When couples are stuck, it is because they are not able to communicate clearly the destination that they are working towards. The relation-ship becomes divided and mutiny abounds. Whether it is because they have not clearly decided on the ship’s destination or that they have envisioned different docks without communicating where they are going, trouble looms when all hands are not on deck. By the time they come to my office, some partners have already boarded the lifeboat and are ready to set sail in their own direction. In order to work out disagreements, both partners need to get on board the ship and decide the direction it is heading. When they agree on the port, it becomes much easier to steer the ship and navigate through rough waters. In order for couples to get onboard a unified relation-ship they need a clear vision of what their goals are. Do they want to save for a house in the country or rent a condo in the city? Do they want to have a large family or only pets? Do they want to take vacations to Europe or go camping in an RV for the summer? When couples share common goals the destination is set and they can help each other navigate when they start to drift off course. Having a common destination does not mean that each partner can’t take their own excursions. It is critical for each partner to have their own hobbies, friends and interests, but they return to their home base, together. One partner’s excursion is no more important than the partner’s. In a family, everyone’s needs are equally important and no one sacrifices their own needs for the other. Needs can be negotiated and compromised, but there is always give and take in order to provide balance. When everyone is on board and working together, it is smooth sailing and you can reach the destination with much less stress. Take a moment to assess the crew on your current relation-ship. Is the navigation on course? If not, take some time to re-assess and verify that you are both heading for the same destination. “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” –Desmond Tutu
We are often told to ‘forgive and forget.’ I don’t believe these two words should ever go together. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. Whatever happened did happen and we do not have a magic eraser to clean it from our mind. We remember what we did or what someone did to us and forgetting the event simply, does not happen. The work of forgiveness is challenging. There are many layers to it. I often hear people say that they have forgiven themselves or someone else, but if there is still something about the situation that continues to bother us, the work is not complete. I once heard someone say that there were some people who were not safe to walk the streets of her mind. Whenever she thought of ‘that person’ or what they did she would attack them. I love that visual and whether it is someone we are rehashing an argument with or beating ourselves up for something we did, as soon as the thought occurs, our brains go into attack mode. Forgiveness is something we do to release the anger we are holding. This is for both self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of others. The Buddha compared holding onto anger, to holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone. The problem is that while you are holding the hot coal you are the one who is getting burned. We need to drop the coal, because we are only hurting ourselves. Releasing the anger does not mean saying that what happened was okay. It does not mean that we condone whatever happened. What it does mean is that we can move forward. We have not yet developed the time machine, so none of us can go back to change the event. We can decide to release the anger over the event though and that is powerful. Choosing to forgive is to accept our own and other’s imperfections. It is to acknowledge that what was said or done was painful, but we don’t need to carry the pain indefinitely. It is a choice to say that we have suffered enough and we are ready to forgive. It is a personal choice that can have a profound effect. Who are you ready to forgive? “If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?” –W. Somerset Maugham
We all have our own way of being in this world. Some people are optimistic and ‘happy go lucky,’ while others are pessimistic and constantly waiting for the next stroke of bad luck to hit. We all fall somewhere on that continuum and that is our baseline experience of the world. It is our default internal programming that keeps us stable in life. When we are on our baseline, life feels ‘normal’ or routine. When events happen, they sometimes throw us off our baseline. We can tell when things are off. We either have a feeling of being down, below our baseline, or things are going well and we are above our baseline. Resiliency is often discussed as being able to get back to ‘normal,’ or baseline after an event occurs. While getting back to baseline is comfortable, this doesn’t always serve us. I often use an example of someone who has been living in poverty their whole life and they suddenly win the lottery or inherit a fortune. Many times, these people spend the money in excess and find themselves right back at their poverty baseline. It doesn’t have to be that way though. If they are able to raise their baseline and see themselves as a wealthy individual who respects the money they have, they can budget and invest to remain wealthy. In order to raise our baseline, we need to see ourselves differently. This comes from doing the work of self-compassion and forgiveness. It comes from questioning our beliefs about who we are and what we want in our lives. Working in the addictions field, I frequently see people who start doing well once they get clean. For a period of time, things seem to be improving and changing. Then suddenly something happens which causes them to relapse. While they tell me that they have bad luck, what I often see is self-sabotaging behaviors. Their baseline beliefs about who they are have not caught up with the changes that are happening in their lives. They often feel unworthy of good things happening, or feel that they need to be punished for choices they made. While intellectually they want the good, their underlying beliefs are stuck on seeing themselves as ‘broken’ or ‘dirty’ because of what they did. Their baseline beliefs are still low, so their behaviors bring them right back to baseline. In order to grow, our baseline beliefs about ourselves need to change. When we go through a difficult period, many people emerge stronger than before. This is referred to as post-traumatic growth. The baseline of how they see themselves shifts during the low point and they have more confidence and awareness once they get through. When we go through joyful times our baseline can raise as well. Knowing that we are deserving of the good and worthy of the blessings allows our baseline to float up and become our new normal. The key to growth is recognizing our baseline and questioning the beliefs that hold the baseline down. What are your baseline beliefs? “”Why?” is the most useless question in the universe. The only question with any meaning is “What?” Asking “Why is this happening?” can only disempower you. Asking “What do I want to make of this?” does exactly the opposite. Here is a great secret: the Why of anything is to produce the What of everything.” — Neale Donald Walsch
One of the favorite questions of every curious child is ‘why?’ When my son was going through the ‘why?’ stage I remember how frustrating it was to come up with answers to some of his questions. While some answers were easy to explain, really thinking about why things happen is often baffling. There are times when asking ‘why’ can be helpful. There are cause/effect relationships. By understanding how two objects or events are interrelated we can learn and grow. Once we learn why, we can make predictions and better control our environment. The problem is, many questions in life do not have a satisfying answer to ‘why.’ When we begin to ask questions like; ‘Why do some people have lives filled with suffering and hardship while others have it easy?’ or ‘Why do some people die so young?’ or ‘Why doesn’t God bring peace to our planet?’ or even ‘Why didn’t I get the dream job I was applying for?’ there are no simple explanations for ‘why?’ These are the big life questions that defy simple answers to ‘why?’ When people get stuck in the ‘why’ questions it becomes disempowering. It begins to feel like we are the victim of life and are powerless to control everything. Then the big question becomes, ‘Why even try?’ There is another question that is more powerful. Instead of focusing on why, instead ask, ‘What do I want to make of this?’ The shift from ‘Why is this happening?’ to ‘What can I do about it?’ creates a different energy in the question. ‘Why’ is passive, ‘What’ is active. When we ask what we want to make of a situation, we have a choice. We have the power to define how we handle every situation. Asking ‘what’ instead of ‘why’ takes no more effort, but it can create different results. What will you do with this information? “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” –Leo Buscaglia
Joy is an emotion that we all say we want more of. The pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right. But, what happens when we find the happiness and joy that we say we all want? If you are like most people, when things are going well, we say that things are ‘too good.’ We wait for the other shoe to drop. As crazy as it sounds, thanks to the research of Brené Brown, we now know that joy is the most difficult of all emotions for most people to stay with for any length of time. When things are going well, we forebode the joy. I remember standing over my son’s crib when he was a baby and as I looked at him in wonder and amazement, feeling the joy well up in my heart, I had a sudden image of him dying. I was sure that he stopped breathing and began to panic as I didn’t see his chest move. Of course, he was fine, but in that moment of pure joy, the brakes were applied and it was back to reality. Whether it is due to Hollywood sensitizing us, or our own innate nature it is difficult for us to stay with joy. When my son was going to a high school dance, a group met at a friend’s house for pictures. He was then riding with his friends to the dance. I couldn’t help but have a moment on the ride home, when I was alone, to think about whether the photos of him laughing and smiling could be his last. Images of a terrible accident and headlines flashed across my mind. This should have been a moment of joy, but instead I was worried. Joy is an emotion that we have fear of. In many ways it is scarier when life is going well then it is when things are falling apart. Misery loves company. It seems you can always find something negative to talk about with other people, and they will commiserate with you. People try to offer support and help when it is obvious that there is a need. When things are going well, everyone seems to assume that there is no need for support. One of the points that Brené Brown makes is that people in recovery need to go to more meetings and be with more people when things are going well, because joy can be a trigger for relapse. While it seems counterintuitive to think of joy as being a dangerous emotion, in many ways it is. Joy is pure vulnerability and whenever we feel vulnerable, fear sets in. Become aware of foreboding joy and remind yourself to enjoy the moment for what it is. Challenge yourself to feel the pure joy of life. Take some time to soak in the joy. “The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking.” –Deepak Chopra
The spring is a special time of year. After months of dormancy, trees, flowers and wildlife begin to show signs of life. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. The celebration of Easter is about crucifixion and resurrection. It is a time of change. It is a time of letting go of the old and ushering in the new. In our lives, we all have aspects of ourselves that we need to let go of. There are beliefs, habits, and choices that no longer serve us. What would happen if we could symbolically crucify these aspects? What would happen if we made a conscious choice to release the beliefs which are holding us back? This is something that we can all do, but first we have to be aware of the limiting beliefs or choices that we are making. Once they are identified, visualize them dying. Let go and release. After the crucifixion, there was a time of mourning. There was a deep sense of loss. After holding on to certain beliefs, engaging in unhealthy habits or making disempowering choices for any length of time, there will be a sense of loss. There will be uncertainty. It is unsettling to let go of something without knowing what will happen next. It is the time between no longer and not yet. When we are able to embrace that time of change and allow ourselves to be in the unknown, a new way of being will emerge. It will be a resurrection of our authentic self. The new way of being will be stronger than the previous version and more fully aligned with who you truly are. There will be a new way of seeing the world that was previously unknown. It is a shift in perspective. It is a new way of being in the world, which is more true to who you are. This is a special time of the year. It is a time of transformation. What beliefs or habits are you willing to crucify so that your authentic self can be resurrected? “Honestly, self-care is not fluffy – it’s something we should take seriously.” –Kris Carr
With so much to keep us busy day after day, how much time do we devote to our own self-care? Carving out time to work on hobbies, spend time in nature or go to the gym seems to fall to the bottom of the priority list. I was recently introduced to the concept of macro and micro self-care. Macro self-care is made up of the big things we do for ourselves. It can be a vacation, going to the gym for an hour a day, taking a day off work, or engaging in a hobby. These macro activities usually take a bit of time and may involve a significant amount of money and effort. While the macro self-care activities are extremely beneficial, because of the extended periods of time required to complete them, many people push them off and are not as faithful with them as they would like to be. Micro self-care activities are small practices that can be woven into the day. Most take less than a minute to complete and if they are repeated throughout the day, they can have a significant benefit. A micro activity would be stretching at work, taking 10 mindful breaths, savoring each bite of a meal or expressing gratitude to a friend. Self-care of our physical body is critical for our wellbeing. Our bodies are the only vehicle we are given throughout this lifetime. It always amazes me how many people take better care of their car than they do their body. We feed our bodies processed junk foods, lead sedentary lives and deprive the body of rest. We abuse our bodies, using caffeine and other drugs to artificially stimulate the senses, yet we expect our bodies to perform optimally. There are three critical areas of self-care that our bodies need: physical movement, rest and nutrition. Here are some macro and micro ideas for each of these areas. Start by squeezing in a few micro activities. It won’t be long before you work up to the macro ones. Physical movement Macro: Going to the gym, developing a workout routine, going for a long walk Micro: Taking breaks to stretch and move every hour, taking the steps instead of the elevator, parking at the far end of the parking lot Rest Macro: Getting 8 hours of sleep every night, meditation Micro: Taking a 15-minute power nap, taking 10 deep breaths, taking a mental break Nutrition Macro: Eating a balanced diet, adding more plant based whole foods, cooking at home, avoiding fast food and processed foods. Micro: prepare food with love, savor each bite, mindfully eat, eat with people, talk and laugh during the meal. How different would you feel if you committed to taking care of your body with some of these macro and micro self-care activities for the next 30 days? Give it a try! |
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