“My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” –Henry Ford
There is a big difference between the disease of addiction and other health related diseases. When someone battling cancer has a relapse they are often surrounded with love and support, but when someone suffering from addiction has a relapse, most people cut them off and avoid them. The love given to someone dealing with cancer is withheld from some going through addiction. It is not easy to be around someone struggling with addiction, but does shame and isolation work to get them to stop using? I was at a conference last week and Brené Brown asked a very powerful question. “Does shame and isolation make people more or less dangerous?” Think about the implications of that question. We have realized for decades that shaming hurts people, yet it is one of the most frequently used techniques to control behavior. What we all long for is connection. It is the support piece that is often missing and what we, as humans, crave. We are wired for connection. It is part of our genetic makeup. From the time we are born until the time we die, we look for connection with others to share this experience of life. Somehow in our society we seem to have adopted a belief that we need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and go on alone. While it is true that we are the only one who can choose our behavior, having someone to talk to and share experiences helps to shift our perspective. Successful recovery includes forming a positive social support network. We all need at least one close friend to be open and honest with in our lives. We need that one person we can talk to when we have entered a ‘shame storm.’ It is someone who can help remind us that we can do better next time and help us to see that all is not lost. Social support is a critical piece of successful recovery and successful living. If you know someone who is suffering from addiction, take notice if people around them are using shame or isolation to try to change their behavior. Reach out and provide a connection. It may save their life.
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“All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say ‘No’ and said ‘Yes.'” — Moss Hart
“But, if I say ‘no’ they won’t like me!” Julie recently told me. We discussed what makes it hard for her to say ‘no.’ She told me it is her responsibility to put everyone else’s needs before hers. I asked if she feels the need to please others before taking care of herself may have anything to do with the current addiction she is suffering from. She noted that she hadn’t thought about it before. The need to please is common, especially in females. While there are many reasons why clients have a hard time saying ‘no,’ one of the most common reasons I hear is that they believe friendship is based on doing things for other people. There is a belief that the friendship isn’t really about being with a person, but is more a way to get needs met. They look for people that can give them what they need and then do favors for them, expecting to get their own needs met. For people who don’t drive, they may befriend a person with a vehicle. They start doing favors and giving the person things so that they can get the ride when they need it. This ‘banking of favors’ does not usually end well. Often, when they have a need and expect the favor in return, it is met with rejection. Since they have based the friendship on balancing of needs, when they are let down by someone they end the friendship and go looking for someone else who will be able to meet their needs. This becomes a perpetual problem. Another reason is that they feel their needs are secondary to other people. They justify how their children’s or spouse’s needs are more important than theirs. Minimizing their own needs leads to resentment. When they do express a need and it is rejected there is a reinforcement that their needs are not important enough to be met. One of the things I discuss is how in a healthy family system, everyone’s needs are equal. There can be negotiation and compromise, but denial of anyone’s needs is never acceptable. When someone has sacrificed their needs for the family it is often difficult to start saying ‘no.’ One of the things I discuss is starting to set better boundaries with other people. Boundaries are not cutting people off, but are new agreements that can get made between two people. It is respecting the new agreement so that everyone’s needs are met. When I worked with Julie, one the things I had her work on was to set a goal to make at least one person mad each day. If she made more than one person mad in a day that was a bonus! I asked her to consciously choose whether she wanted to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ It took a lot of courage for her to start saying ‘no.’ She told me that after I gave her this challenge, she got a call from her brother asking her to babysit her niece. She told me she had other plans, but before would have rearranged her plans. She got up the courage to say ‘no,’ fully expecting him to be mad at her. She discussed how surprised she was that he just said, ‘okay.’ It was empowering for her to realize that he still liked her! Setting boundaries and choosing ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is a gift to yourself. Other people will respect you more when you negotiate agreements to get everyone’s needs met. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no.’ People will still like you! “Life is not linear; you have ups and downs. It’s how you deal with the troughs that defines you.” –Michael Lee-Chin
After years of counseling people in addiction and their families, the question I hear most often from loved ones is ‘why don’t they just stop using?’ Addiction is complex and although it seems like the answer is easy, it is anything but simple for the person dealing with addiction to stop. While there are no cures for addiction, research has shown that counseling, inpatient treatment and support groups are beneficial for many people. One of the ways I have found to explain addiction and recovery to my clients and their families is to envision a ‘Chutes and Ladders’ game board. The work of recovery is like going up the ladder. Along the way though, there are many opportunities to go right back down the chute of relapse. In order to keep them moving up the ladder, I discuss the importance of having a vision or goal they are working towards. Climbing the ladder day after day is hard work. It would be much easier to take a break or go down the slide, but knowing why they are doing the work of recovery is critical. One of the things I reinforce to my clients is that they can’t be doing the work of recovery for anyone except themselves. Many clients tell me that they are getting clean for their children or significant other. While I agree that their loved ones are important, the more important thing is to recognize that they are doing the work to be the best mother, father or partner they can be. It really is for them to be the best they can be and give their best to their loved ones. So why do some clients seem to climb the ladder relatively quickly and easily, while others struggle and fall down the chutes of relapse time and time again? One of the things I discuss with my clients is how there are sticking points along the way. Many clients seem to do well for a time and then begin to backslide or self-sabotage. I believe that these sticking points are places where limiting beliefs reside. Many clients begin doing well and then the voice of doubt or fear arises. The voice reminds them that they don’t deserve to be happy because of all the pain they caused or because of what they did to their child or any other variation of doubt and fear. The louder this voice becomes, the closer to the downward slide they get. When the voice is all they hear, it only takes a little push to go right down. Challenging the voice of doubt and fear, forgiving themselves and learning to love themselves despite the past, dissolves the sticking points and allows the client to continue the climb of recovery. Helping a loved one in recovery is never easy. Reminding the person that they are worthy and deserving of love is one of the best ways to help them move through the sticking points and continue the lifelong journey of recovery. “People who have never had an addiction don’t understand how hard it can be.” –Payne Stewart
Working in a methadone clinic over the past several years has given me a unique perspective on addiction. I have been privileged to hear heartbreaking stories of addiction and witnessed firsthand the devastating effects it has on the entire family. Loving someone struggling with addiction is perhaps one of the hardest things there is to do. The person that you once loved seems to be replaced by a foreign entity. It is hard to know who you are talking to. The addiction masquerades as the loved one and it is unbearable to discover that the person you once knew is unreachable. So, what do you do if you love someone who is suffering from addiction? First, know that the person in addiction is not the person you love. I always think of us as having different parts that take over in different situations. There are loving and gentle parts, as well as angry and demanding parts. There is a different part of me in control when I’m at work then when I’m at home with my children. When someone is struggling with addiction, it is the addict part that has taken control and seals off the other parts. Sometimes we can get glimpses of the real person, but during active addiction it is difficult to know if you are talking to the addict part or breaking through to your loved one. Be cautious and discerning when talking to your loved one. Remember that the lies and manipulative behaviors are the addict part which has taken control and are not behaviors the person you love would do. Second, know that the person you love did not intend to become addicted. There is not a single client that I have worked with that told me they wanted to become addicted to heroin. Of course, they made an initial choice to try it, but once the addiction took hold, they lost all power to choose. This is why addiction is considered a disease. The urge and compulsion to use is so strong that the choice to stop is blocked. Know that if addiction were just a matter of willpower, there would be far fewer people suffering. It takes support and understanding to break through addiction. It is complex and there are no easy answers or solutions. Third, understand that the person in addiction is suffering, too. Addiction creates a downward spiral. There is usually a point when the person in addiction decides that they want to stop. They tell themselves that they are going to stop, but the compulsion becomes so strong that they can’t control it. After they use they feel guilty about it and the pain becomes stronger. The stronger the pain, the stronger the compulsion to use. The spiral continues until they hit the proverbial ‘rock bottom’ and seek help or treatment of some kind. Fourth, don’t give up. Loving someone struggling with addiction is painful. There is no denying that, but when the person hits their ‘rock bottom’ they need love and support in order to heal. Set extremely firm boundaries. Enabling and making excuses for the person in addiction does not help them. They need to experience the consequences of their behavior choices. This is extremely difficult to accept because death is a very real possible consequence. Setting boundaries does not mean withholding love and support from them. Trust has to be earned back. It is a slow process, but don’t give up on them! Get family counseling to help the entire family heal and open the lines of communication back up. Finally, take care of yourself. Loving someone with an addiction is consuming and feels helpless. You cannot stop or control a loved one’s addiction. The person in addiction is the only one who has that power. The more worn down you become, the less helpful it is for everyone. Find your own hobbies, attend Al-Anon meetings, spend time in nature or laugh with friends. It is not selfish to take care of your own needs. By practicing your own self-care, you are able to help the family heal and move through the recovery process. Your family deserves the best you can give, which only comes when you take care of yourself. The journey of addiction is never easy. It is a dark chapter for many families, but it doesn’t have to be the whole book. You, as a family, get to write the rest of the story. It can have a happy ending. “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” –Peter Drucker
Last week I discussed blocks to communication. This week we will explore five ways to open the lines of communication.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” –George Bernard Shaw
If you ask couples what they could improve in their relationship, the most common answer would probably be communication. Many of us seem to struggle from time to time with being able to express ourselves clearly and to understand our partners. When I work with couples, one of the analogies I often use is that of an iceberg. I explain that they can only see the very tip of their partner’s iceberg. Above the water is the behaviors and actions that they can see. Under the water is where the majority of the iceberg is hidden. These are the memories, thoughts and emotions that our partner holds. At the waterline is where communication lies. Communication is the bridge between what a person is experiencing internally and how they express it externally. When there is limited communication, partners are left to guess at what the other is feeling based on the behaviors and actions that are witnessed. Unfortunately, many of the assumptions that we make about our partner, based on what we see, are simply not accurate. What makes it so difficult for us to communicate effectively? These are the two most common reasons I have seen: The first is an assumption that one partner already knows how the other is feeling. In my work with couples, I often hear partners say that the other should know how they are feeling. While we clearly know how we are feeling, I think we often forget that others aren’t experiencing situations in the same way that we are. Just because a situation makes us angry or excited, I think we often expect everyone else to feel the same way, so we don’t bother to talk about it. Along with this is a tendency to express our emotions one time and then to expect the partner to know it. I often hear this when partners complain about not being told that they are appreciated or loved. The conversation sounds like, “Why don’t you ever tell me that you appreciate what I do?” Which gets responded to with, “I do, I told you that time when you…” The other reason is a fear of being vulnerable. When we express our thoughts, emotions, embarrassments and shames, there is a risk that our partner will reject or criticize us. Many of us have had experiences where we shared something personal and were vulnerable with another person, only to be betrayed by them. That experience often results in a hardening to protect ourselves from going through that experience again. The problem is, the brick wall we build so that we don’t get hurt also stops love from penetrating fully. The fear of sharing vulnerable emotions is met with frustration and anger which often adds bricks to the wall instead of knocking them down. It is frustrating for both partners when there is a breakdown in communication. Communication is critical in every healthy relationship. Next week I will discuss some ways to improve communication. “The course of true love never did run smooth.” –William Shakespeare
This week we will look at the last of Dr. John Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ stonewalling. Of the four horsemen, this is the most infuriating for most people to deal with. Stonewalling is when one of the partners simply shuts down and refuses to engage with their partner. For the partner trying to connect, the stonewalling reaction creates a sense of fear, anger or despair. It is as if they have lost their partner. Gottman has found that approximately 85% of the stonewallers in his research were males. One of the interesting things he found with stonewalling is that when he talked to the people who were doing the stonewalling, their intent was simply to not to make things worse. Many explained that they stayed quiet thinking that it would help the situation and their partner would calm down easier if they stopped responding. As humans, we are social creatures. We are wired for connection. In studies with infants, when a caregiver stops responding and simply stares at the baby, the baby becomes distressed. Our body physically responds to the distress and we go into reactionary mode. The antidote that Dr. Gottman recommends is to notify your partner that you need some time away and to then find something relaxing and enjoyable to do for at least 30 minutes. This self-soothing is critical to calming our central nervous system and reactivating our mental ability to think and reason. In one of Dr. Gottman’s studies he actually had couples get into an argument and when the partners were highly reactive he pretended that there was an issue with the equipment. He instructed the couples not to talk until they got the equipment fixed. They allowed the partners to get a drink or snack and read magazines during this time. When they resumed, the couples were able to focus on the problem and come to a solution quickly. He noted that time away, especially with stonewalling is critical for successful resolution of problems. If these four horsemen sound all too familiar in your relationship, it does not mean that all is lost. Becoming aware of the patterns and giving them a name is the first step to resolving them. Help each other notice when the horsemen are in play and soon they will visit less often. “When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.” –Stephen Covey
Defensiveness is a normal human reaction. We all get defensive from time to time when we feel that we are under attack. While it is normal to feel defensive, in a relationship it often becomes an unhealthy pattern of behavior. Defensiveness is the third of John Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.’ Take the following exchange for example, “We’re always late! Why can’t you ever be on time for anything?” Which gets a reply of, “What do you mean I’m always late? You are the one who can never leave on time!” From this point the conversation goes downhill. I envision defensiveness as a shield that gets raised whenever we feel that our partner’s words are like daggers. We then load our own arsenal and begin firing back. In defensive mode, it is all about self-protection and in order to protect our self we need to blame our partner or make them wrong in some way. It becomes a war of words, in which there is no winner. So, how do you get out of the battle of defensiveness and put down the weapons? Dr. Gottman’s antidote for defensiveness is responsibility. Taking responsibility disarms our partner. In the previous example of being late, if the partner had responded with taking responsibility it may have sounded like, “You are right, I was not paying attention to the time and I realize that I need to be more aware of what needs to be done before we leave next time.” It sounds easy to take responsibility, but it is not natural. Often, we don’t feel that it is our fault. We truly believe that the problem lies solely in our partner. It takes a good deal of self-awareness in order to take responsibility. One of my favorite scriptures from the Bible is Matthew 7:3 which asks, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” It is much easier for us to see the faults of others then it is to take responsibility for our own shortcomings. For us to grow, we need to become curious about ourselves. When our partner fires a complaint at us, becoming curious instead of defensive can stop the battle. By taking a moment to reflect on the partner’s complaint and exploring it with genuine curiosity, we are often able to find something that we can take true responsibility for. This is completely different from the martyr saying, ‘Just blame me, it is always my fault.’ Martyrdom is just another form of defensiveness. Taking responsibility is truly listening to what your partner is saying and becoming curious about what can be done to resolve the problem. How different would your relationship feel with both partners taking responsibility? Next week I will explore the last of the four horsemen, Stonewalling. “Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made For kissing, lady, not for such contempt.” –William Shakespeare
The second of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ is contempt. This is not just criticizing your partner, it is tearing them down. Contempt is name calling and blatant disrespect. It is hitting below the belt, pushing their buttons and bringing up the past. It is also mocking your partner and displaying an air of superiority in the relationship. When couples are in contempt there is a toxic air between them. Dr. John Gottman has noted a correlation between couples who are in contempt and the number of infectious diseases the partner suffers from. As he studied couples he has found that contempt actually erodes the immune system of an individual. Contempt physically and mentally breaks down a partner. It is the most destructive of the four of the horsemen and is the greatest predictor of divorce. A partner who engages in contempt sees the world through the lens of negativity. Almost anything can become the target of contempt. So how do you deal with contempt? Appreciation is the antidote. It is through respect and appreciation for your partner that healing can begin to occur. This sounds easy, but it takes conscious effort to remove the lens of negativity and begin to see things that your partner is doing right. One of the things that Dr. Gottman recommends when partners are stuck in contempt is to begin by talking about positive aspects of the relationship. It can be discussing positive or funny moments that have stood out during the marriage or how you were able to work through a difficult time together. It can also be reconnecting through activities that you used to enjoy. What were the activities that you both enjoyed in the early days of the relationship? Was it playing a board game together, going for a hike, bowling? When couples begin to talk positively about their partner, and with their partner, the pattern of negativity is interrupted. As I work with couples, I often talk about how couples need to get into a groove, but not a rut. It is like the groove in a record, but often couples get caught in a skip. They repeat the same behavior over and over. All too frequently, it is destructive contempt that is skipping. It takes work to recognize the negative pattern and courage for both partners to begin reconnecting through respect and appreciation. Are you ready to move the needle on the record to the next song? It is not easy, but it can save your marriage and your health if you are ready. Next week I will discuss the third ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse’ which is defensiveness. “Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.” –Buddha
All relationships have their moments. Two people cannot live together without having differences of opinion from time to time. When these differences of opinion arise, how they are handled can either escalate the situation or resolve it. Criticism is the first of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ that were introduced last week. Criticism is basically attacking the partner’s character instead of addressing the situation. Judgment is an easy trap to fall into. We often assume that we know why our partner is or isn’t doing something and believe that we need to let them know about it. When we address an issue, the focus can either be on the behavior or the person. It sounds like semantics to talk about the behavior or the person doing the behavior, but there is a significant difference. When behavior is addressed, the person themselves are still okay and there is a behavior change that can happen. When the focus is on the person, it becomes a personal attack on their character, which implies that they are not okay. This is criticism. There are often a lot of ‘always’ and ‘never’ words used in criticism. It sounds like ‘You always leave your clothes on the floor!’ ‘Why don’t you ever say anything nice to me?’ or ‘You never do anything right!’ Criticism is saying that the person is somehow flawed and there is something wrong with them. So, how can a partner’s behavior be addressed respectfully without attacking the person? It is important to start out with the facts of the situation, without adding emotion. ‘When this happened…’ Then state how it makes you feel. This is where finding an appropriate emotion word is important. There are hundreds of emotions that we can feel, but we usually limit our vocabulary to only three- happy, sad and angry. Try to tune in and find which emotion or mixture of emotions you feel. Did the behavior make you; upset, envious, frustrated, anxious, unheard, hurt, jealous, vulnerable, scared, etc… The third step is to ask for what you would like. ‘What I would like is….’ The final step is to ask if your partner is willing to honor that request. If they are not, negotiate to find something that meets both of your needs. For example, what would it be like to hear, “When I find your socks laying all over the house, I feel unappreciated. What I would like is for you to put your socks in the laundry room. Would you be able to do that?” This statement addresses the behavior and is not a personal attack. This sounds very different from, ‘You always leave your socks laying around the house! Why can’t you ever put them in the laundry room?’ Patterns of behavior develop throughout a relationship. If criticism is a frequent pattern of communication in your relationship, the first step is to recognize it. Try experimenting with addressing the behavior using these four steps and see if the tone shifts. Next week I will discuss the second ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse’ which is contempt. |
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